To new beginning

What being greedy has taught me about life

I think we all are greedy. Either we would admit it or not, it doesn't matter. At one point in life there will be a moment when you would feel that you lose a part of your self in return for fulfilling the empty spot in someone else's life. Truth is, it always happens like that. 

We are human beings, of whose brain is made up of fragments of memory and life experiences. Every little bit of the memory is tangled in the web of other people's fragments of memory. It's interconnected in a way that we couldn't imagine. To say that we are not greedy, is to deny the fact that in each of the memory and experience, somehow, every decision we made then, is not for the sole purpose of fulfilling that empty spot we want to fill with what our heart desires. We fill our memory and experience with the people that we want.

For the past nine months I have learnt what it's like to be with someone you can't have. To worry about his life which has been through so many difficulties, that to go back and do the right thing would bring everything down. To the point of no return, I see no future with this person, if we keep being greedy that is.

I am greedy, I can testify to that. I wanted this person to be with me all of my (and his) life. I wanted him to continue to support me, to always be there whenever I need him. I wanted him to focus his life on making me feel better. I also wanted him to give up the part of him where should he do it, he would lose his social circle. I wanted him to fill this empty spot in my life, without realising that it wouldn't be any better for us, if he were to lose his life for me. Along these lines, I also lost myself. I lost that part in me where I should always be independent, and that what my heart wants is not always what is good for my life. I lost me, while focusing too much on him in order to form a "we".

I'm at a better place now. I might not be able to erase all the memories, but I feel that I can get through this. I used to hide, used to stop myself from seeing or contacting him, but it was so terrible I lost time thinking about all the "what ifs" and "what could have beens". 

I have learnt that in order to love myself, I should give myself a break. I should never be afraid to work hard for what I deserve. It makes no sense to give all of me to a person, and that person should give all of him to me in order to be in a relationship. What happened was that we forgot who we were, and we were both disappointed at the end. Disappointment leads to anger, and while we were angry at each other, we said all the words we should have never said to someone we truly care about. 

I do believe he cares about me. He makes me feel better when I am going through rough days. It (still) is a very reciprocal relationship, one where we would do things for each other, which we have never done or would never do for anyone else.

However, I also believe that I deserve better. Well, not better, but more like, I deserve someone who makes me feel like I am half of a relationship, not a small part. It was good while it lasts, but it was not enough.

I have loved this person with all my heart. I still love him, but if letting him go means healing myself, then that is what I will do. If, by holding on to this feeling could only make me be hopeful for something that would never happen, then I am going to let go. 

I have learnt that letting go bit by bit has made me a stronger person. I do not have to run away from my problem. I face it, and try to change my habit to make the transition less hurtful. Whenever I feel like I am crossing the border between "I want you to be happy for me" and "I want you to be happy with me", I stop myself and ask, "is this where you want this to go?". If not, stop it.

One day, I will look back and tell myself, "you got through it. you did it". 

"I sayang you,

But loving you,

Decapitated my heart"

7 Sept 2016

Melepaskan diri dari kesusahan dan kemiskinan, adalah perkara dalam, semuanya dalam fikiranmu

Tiada sesiapa dalam dunia ini ingin hidupnya ditimpa kesusahan. Tiada siapa bangun tidur waktu pagi dan berkata "Tuhan, berilah aku kesusahan". Instead, you wake up early in the morning hoping for the best from God. 

Apabila melihat seseorang dalam kesusahan, kita cenderung berkata:

"Dia susah kerana dia tidak berusaha."

"Biarlah dia tu, padan muka jadi miskin. Masa senang dulu sangat boros." 

"Ah, dia itu memang, aku ajak mencari duit lebih tak mahu. Padanlah dengan dirinya jadi susah."

Sedangkan, adakah kita terlupa bahawa susah senangnya seseorang itu adalah ketentuan Allah? Are we that ignorant to ignore the fact that everything we gain and lose depends on His decision? Atau, adakah kita terlalu taksub dengan pandangan bahawa sesiapa yang berusaha dia akan mendapat ganjarannya, lalu melupakan bahawa ganjaran itu semuanya datang dari Allah?

Carilah rezeki semahumu, tapi jangan riak. Kita tidak tahu dimana kita akan berada tahun depan, bulan depan, minggu depan, esok, malahan di saat yang berikutnya. Kerana dalam masa satu saat, kita boleh berada di antara dunia yang fana atau alam barzakh. 

Ingatlah, ketika kehidupanmu senang, ketika kekayaanmu melimpah, ingatlah bahawa orang yang susah ketika kehidupanmu senang itu akan senang juga suatu hari nanti. Bukan kamu seorang yang tahu berusaha. Usahalah dengan jalanmu sendiri, tetapi jangan sekali-kali merendah-rendahkan usaha orang lain. Kerana nilai pada sesuatu barang berharga itu berbeza pada setiap orang.

Aku ceritakan pada kamu bagaimana aku mendapat pemahaman ini. Aku pernah membuat kerja tambahan, dan kerja itu aku lakukan bersama rakanku. Semasa membuat kerja, aku dapati diriku diberi tugas yang berat, dan memeningkan kepala. Sedangkan rakanku, walaupun tugasnya banyak, namun ia bersifat "repetitive", iaitu, kerja yang sama sahaja. Quantity vs Quality.

Lalu aku berfikir, "Ini tidak adil. Aku membuat kerja yang susah, sedangkan upah kami sama." Aku berfikiran sebegini selama beberapa hari. Tibalah hari pembayaran, dan kami dibayar upah yang sama.

Mungkin disebabkan didikan oleh keluarga dan guru-guruku, aku bukanlah orang yang akan mempersoalkan kenapa bayaranku berbeza, tambahan pula rezeki tu adalah kategori rezeki mengejut iaitu ditawarkan membuat kerja ini secara tiba-tiba. Maknanya, it could've been given to someone else, but it was given to me. Therefore I cannot ask for too much. Aku menerima sahaja tanpa berkata apa-apa, walaupun dalam hatiku ada juga perasaan tidak baik. 

Aku menyedari sesuatu apabila aku membeli sesuatu menggunakan duit tersebut. Aku membeli sehelai baju yang harganya sangat mahal (pada aku), tetapi selepas diskaun, aku cuma membayar RM40 ringgit sahaja. Begitu juga dengan makanan, apabila dibayar dengan menggunakan duit yang aku terima hasil kerja tambahan itu, aku mendapat lebih banyak dari yang sepatutnya. Percuma itu, diskaun ini, tawar-menawar yang berjaya, dibelanja rakan-rakan walaupun pada mulanya aku yang ingin belanja mereka.

Pada masa itu aku teringat perasaan aku yang mengatakan aku tidak dibayar sepatutnya. Inilah pengajaranNya padaku: NILAI SESUATU HARTA ITU BERBEZA. RM1 pada seseorang berbeza, berdasarkan keadaan mereka. Dan siapa yang meletakkan mereka dalam keadaan tersebut (susah atau senang)? Tuhanmu, siapa lagi?

Semasa itu, aku terasa sebak. Kenapa aku begitu senang melupakan kuasa Allah? Kenapa semasa aku diuji aku tidak mahu menyerahkan takdirku kepada Allah? Baru diduga sekecil itu dan aku telahpun tewas.

Semenjak itu, aku cuba mengubah persepsi mengenai wang dan harta. Kalau sudah termaktub bahawa harta itu hak kamu, datanglah sekuat badai sekalipun ia tetap akan jadi hak kamu. Kalau sudah termakstub bahawa ianya bukanlah hak kamu, berusahalah sekuatnya sehingga keluar air mata darah sekalipun, ia tidak akan jadi hak milik kamu. Pada masa itu, kuatkan fikiranmu, teguhkan dalam hati, "Allah has better plans for me". Kerana itulah yang sebaiknya.

Kerana itu, aku berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk tidak memandang pada harta dan kebendaan. Apabila dihina kerana aku miskin, aku tunduk, senyum dan berkata dalam hatiku "Hai lah saudara, kalau kamu tahu apa yang aku telah nampak dan faham, kamu tidak akan berkata atau berfikir sebegitu. I pity you, but I pray for Allah to show you the same thing that he has shown me."

Itulah serba sedikit bagaimana aku diberi peluang melihat kekuasaan Allah dengan caraNya yang tersendiri. Kita tidak mungkin tahu segala-galanya di dalam dunia ini. Apabila diberi peluang, ambillah dengan sebaiknya. Pelajari, amalkan, dan berserahlah setelah berusaha. Itu yang sebaiknya.

Moving a pain-in-the-ass kind of mountain

Its like whatever I do

Just can't get through to you

I'm never gonna tell you nothing wrong

Listen

Now, now she love me, shorty, I loved her

Used to jump up in the Maybach and roll out

Used to care, she used to share

The love that she used to give me can't be found

I lost my way, she said she'd stay

And lately I been sleeping with a ghost

My stock is down and out

I used to be worth my weight in gold

That was before the great depression kicked in and rocked us

And that was before the hurricane came in and stopped us

I told you to leave but you lied to me when you said that

Baby, no worries, I promise to get us back

I know sorries, just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through

But it's like moving mountains

Its like moving mountains, hey

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

It's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

She, she don't touch me, I don't touch her

We ain't really ever say a word

I really wanna give her everything she deserves

But the bad took away the girl

She thinks that I'm full of it, arguments

Always pissed, man I'm tired

Every kiss that I miss

Girl you know I'm trying

You never believe when I say

And I never believe it when you say

I love you, and I shouldn't complain about it

I should take it like a man and walk up out it

Cause we will never be the same

I've been standing in gas

And you have been the flame

So I know sorry, just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to get through

Gotta move this mountain

It's like moving mountains

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

It's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

Well baby why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

This must be a slow death that I'm traveling on

It feels so wrong, I'm barely holding on

See no matter what it takes, I've gotta get it together baby yeah

And these hills that I'm traveling up

He ain't showing me love, I'm down on my luck

Ooh, I'm done, oh

I know sorries just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying, Im trying to travel through

But it's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

Its like moving a mountain

I'm trying to move this mountain

Well baby why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be, oh

Baby baby

Forgetting you is like moving a mountain indeed

However, no matter how hard it is, 

No matter how impossible it is to do so,

I will win.

Someday.

Jumping from one boat to another

My current going-ons in life is much like jumping from one sailing boat to another.

One major boat has decided to let me go swimming on my own in the vast ocean of making a living, and that has left me climbing to any boats that cross my path.

Sometimes, the boat that I climbed onto is unstable, so I have to wait for another suitable boat.

I left one of those "unsuitable" boats yesterday. Told the boss captain I could not possibly work sail with him any more, since his boat rocked so hard it gave me unnecessary stress.

But, of course before I jumped out of the old boat, I make sure I have a new boat to sail in.

This new boat is much closer to that big giant original boat I was in, but I feel quite nervous.

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Ah, talking about making  a living in the most metaphorical way is tiring! Bye!

Candidature Defense

Alhamdulillah...I passed.

Best of all, the promise that Allah has made to his vicegerents, that He would help those who make an effort, was truly glorified on that day. I was given the most helpful people as my examiners. They commented on things I overlooked, gave me some wonderful ideas on how to make my dissertation better for the people in the fields of Corpus Linguistics and Conceptual Metaphor Theory, and mostly, I did not have to go through the bad experience as some people had during candidature defense.

Right now I am working on my dissertation, amending everything that needs amendment. Once Dr S is satisfied with my writing, then only would I be able to submit.

And then wait.

And do correction (maybe not? InsyaAllah).

And then wait.

And then...

To You

Today my friend received her PhD scroll. Words cannot describe how proud I am, to see someone who went through Hell and came back to retrieve her prize. Yesterday she called me and told me she was really hoping to hug someone, other than her family at the graduation ceremony. I think what she meant is that to have someone who knows her struggles be present at her graduation ceremony will only make the fact that she's graduating feel more real. As of now, I am in KL, due to meet my supervisor this afternoon. Oh how I wish I can be there to celebrate with her!

Postgraduate study is never an easy feat, even for geniuses. You need determination, relentless effort to just get seated and write, to not to vomit when reading journal articles, let go of your shyness and keep approaching the supervisor, and losing sleep. Beauty routine? What's that?

So to my friend, here is a poem for her:

Dear friend,
Be happy, be merry,
The day has come,
Be grateful, be cheerful,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Stand up straight,
Keep your head up,
Let go of the weight,
That you have been building up.

Dear friend,
Take your first step,
Remember when you decided,
That you are going to change your life,
Open your eyes,
Believe it, you have arrived.

Dear friend,
Now the lines are moving up,
You are closer,
Step by step,
Approach your future,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Accept your scroll,
Forgive those who hurt you,
But don't forget,
For forgetting your pain,
Will only make people repeat their mistake.

Dear friend,
Now go hug your family,
Tell them how you feel,
Make them feel special,
For there's nothing more special,
Than telling people,
Who have been there through your ups and downs,
How much they meant to you.

Dear friend,
I pray you have an abundant of success,
Joyful adventurous career,
But don't forget me dear friend,
As I am struggling too,
Wish me luck, wish me luck,
And my turn will come too!

Change

So the other day I was in the shower, and you know, when you take long showers, you tend to think of the past, present and future, and once you're done, you kind of forget about it?

Well I didn't forget this one. Long long time ago when I was 13 and accepted in a prestigious "ahem" Islamic school in Terengganu, I had few friends whom I have known way back in primary school. There was this guy who scowled at me because I told him I was too lazy to think. What was it that I was too lazy to think about? I can no longer recall.

I was thinking to myself, because of how I responded to him at that time, if he was to meet me today, would he have the similar perception about me? That I am a person who is too lazy to think?

Lately, I keep thinking about it, because it seems that people who knows me way back tend to think that I am still the immature self they used to know once. It bothers me a lot because some of those people are those whom I respect a lot.

Then it makes me wonder, am I doing the same thing to other people? That I meet them after a long time and still think that they were as good/bad as I remember them to be?

I tell myself this then: treat other people as how you would want them to treat you. IF they mistreat you once,  maybe there's a chance. Sometimes people have their own problems and the problem influence how they behave. However, if it happens more than twice (I'm quite forgiving, mind you. Even though I don't forget. Ever.) then maybe you should leave them alone and let it go. Maybe.


Current muse:

Talking to my supervisor

"The action of removing someone's doubts or fears."

I told my supervisor this morning that I really appreciate that she gives me a lot of reassurances today. I was worried that I would not be able to get things done by December, but she reassures me, that she didn't see any reason why I am not ready to go through candidature defense.

I've been in a fragile situation the last few months. However, in the midst of frowning upon my "bad luck", I forgot that what I am going through is actually a test from Allah. I am being tested for my faith in Him, and I have failed miserably.

I have failed to see that all these "difficulties" in life would be rewarded, whether in this world or hereafter. That someday I will be looking back and feeling glad that I made it out alive, but I do wish I could change the ways I handle my problems.

Perhaps it is not too late to adapt a better approach in life. I know what I have to do, but there's something that keeps telling me to not to turn to Allah. All thanks to you lah shaitonirrojimmm.

I keep telling my close friends in the office to keep being positive no matter what happens to the faculty, but truthfully I'm the one who has to be more positive.

Whatever it is, I'm one step closer to what I have been working on for the past 3 years. I'll keep pushing. Even if it gets harder by time, I will not give up.

Long overdue post

If I were to sit down and write a blog post, it would probably take forever because all I do while sitting nowadays are either eating or managing my teaching works. So today I'm gonna tell you what happened since the last I wrote in here.

First of all, happy 30th birthday to me. It has been a crazy/wonderful thirty years, and hopefully another thirty (or sixty!) years to come would be as wonderful, or even more than that! I do hope I would spend the next 30-40 years with my other half, whom I haven't met yet.

Second, I am appointed on a part time basis until I receive a senate letter from UM regarding my study. It sucks.

Third, well, thats pretty much what happened for the past two weeks.

Wish me luck for my study and career!

posted from Bloggeroid

Testing

Posting from my phone. Just an effort to keep this blog going.

Although, I'm not really sire having to squint my eyes to type is my thing.

posted from Bloggeroid

Test 2

Test

posted from Bloggeroid

Stars

I lit a fire with the love you left behind

And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side

I followed your ashes into outer space

I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place.

I can't look at the stars

They make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I, I can't look at the stars.

All those times we looked up at the sky

Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly

And now I'm all alone in the dark of night

And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.

And I can't look at the stars

They make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I, I can't look at the stars.

Stars

Stars, they make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I can't look at the stars.

Sick

I feel sick.

I binge eat.

Some days I eat a lot, other days I eat little and don't feel a thing.

I feel tired all the time.

I sleep for hours and wake up more tired.

Count Your Blessings Friday

Oh...I almost missed this! Anyways, this week I am thankful for:

Photo from here

• Cranberry Cheese from The Loaf that Dr Jawakhir gave me this afternoon. So freaking delish! I'm definitely going to The Loaf some time this week.
• For the response from Dr S about my chapter 4 in which she said it's good albeit needing some clarifications. Really keep me up and running with the rest of the dissertation.
• For smooth albeit adventurous journeys. Today I got off at the wrong stop after 40mins bus ride from Putrajaya. I feel lost, but I buck up and continue walking, saw something that looks like railway station and keep going until I reach a full station ahead of where I was supposed to stop. Luckily I got to the campus safely.

I want to write more, but I can't remember. Maybe I'll update this later.

Speak

Speak is the title of the movie I watched few hours ago while having dinner. It tells the story of Melinda who after being raped (she was 13) she stopped talking altogether. It is a powerful movie. There is no crying or screaming in the aftermath of being raped, but the way the feeling of a person being presented in her drawing of trees is surprising and yet really deep.

Melinda had to draw trees for her art class, and at first the trees are just a normal tree. Somehow, the more she wants to shout to the world that she was raped, and thats the reason why she acts abnormally, the more dark and mysterious her drawing of trees became.

In the end when the truth came out, one thing puzzles me. When Melinda was picked up by her mom from school after she got out alive while she was threatened and beaten by the boy who raped her, her mom said "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it". When in fact, it is not OK.

It's not OK going through something as terrible as rape and being told that it is OK not wanting to talk about it. Especially, when it happened to your own daughter, why would you not want to talk about it? If it were me I'd want to know every detail so I can send that boy who raped my daughter straight to hell. Who wouldn't?

I really enjoy this movie, and one of the major reasons is that it featured Kristen Stewart when she was a really good actress. I haven't watch anything of her beyond Twilight, but this work deserves some awards.

Gift giving, wishes and many more to do and having less and less time to do them all!

I have been so inspired by this blog, that I have decided to review how I live my daily live, and how with so many changes that time brought about, going back to where I had enjoyed life more than now is going to be a strenuous journey.

First and foremost, I need to reevaluate how I spend my time with my mom. A couple of months before she left for hajj, I bought her a pair of jogging shoes. Then I promised myself that I would spend at least once a week for a walk with her. Never happened. So first thing to do in this thing I dub as "Recovery Journey", is to spend more time with my mother, in the nature doing healthy things instead of only going shopping with her. No.1: Take a walk with my mother.

Another thing that I found I am lacking in is celebration, any kind of celebration. I am terrible not only keeping up with important dates (that's the reason why people often get random gifts from me) but I show less than satisfying enthusiasm when it comes to celebrating it. Once on my birthday I slept all day long. Bad bad vibe for the special day huh?

So this year, in July, I will celebrate my mother's birthday, by baking a cake for her (she likes that lemon yogurt cake with cream cheese frosting) and make an effort to actually capture the moments. I will try to at least print one photo of the birthday, frame it, and hang it somewhere around the house. About my own birthday, Anisa and I have plan for it on June 19th but we're not sure what to do yet. Truth is I hardly have any budget left for anything else than my daily needs. We'll see about that.

So that's the first point. Keywords: mom/jog/birthday/photo

The second point is that I would like to return to my joyful hobby: making gifts or cards on my own instead of buying them. The other day I saw some felt going for cheap at Daiso. I think I'm gonna fast for a few days and see whether I can save money to buy those felting supplies.

I have always been a card-maker. I don't remember buying one for a very long long time. But nowadays I haven't sent any cards to anyone. During exam season, I would take some time to make good-luck cards for my friends. Somehow, that hobby just…dies. I don't remember what happened, but it is kinda sad thinking about it. I will return to my gift giving and card-making state of mind and will refrain myself from buying gifts, simply because I truly believe that a gift made by my own hands would be easier to remember than spending money for things that I can make on my own.

I have several people in my mind that I will prepare the gifts for: a mobile phone case for my mom for her birthday, a red case for Dr Mazura, and several simple mobile phone cases for my nieces & and nephews's birthdays. That's a lot but if I spend an hour a day, I think I can make it. Perhaps I am digressing from my thesis writing but I think this is what I need to do for now.

So point no.2: Keywords: cards/gifts/felt supplies/threads/cases

The third point is of course, to lose weight. I fell down 11 days ago and my both knees are bruised. Now my right knees are numb with occasional lancinating pain. I would probably have to try to walk slowly, but I will figure this out once I return to Terengganu.

Keywords: lose weight/walk

The fourth point is to plan a weekly activity for Ammar, my grandnephew. I truthfully believe that if I follow others and let him have his way all the time, he would grow up to be a spoiled kid. He has a lot of plastic toys, which needs to change. I need to create opportunity for him to unleash his creativity. I bought him many books, but I am never sure if he reads them. I should buy books and keep them at my place instead, and buy some for Amirul Haikal as well (another grandnephew). Maybe I will browse the blog again and find out what kind of activity & colouring things I can use which are safe for a toddler. Kids his age need to be introduced to colouring fun, but I haven't seen him doing that as yet. He's not my kid, but he's a child who is growing in front of me, and what kind of person am I to neglect his needs to be creative, when I have read so many things about instilling creativity in a child?

Keywords: art for toddler

So there are four things to consider. I need to write this down in a card and put it in my wallet so I would remember it. 

1. My mom - birthday and walk
2. Gift and cards - felt supplies, mobile phone cases
3. Weight issues
4. Art for toddler - art supplies for toddler, books to be kept at my place. If I can't afford to buy books, I'll make them.

One day at a time, Zura. One day at  time.

Back to black

I thought this is just an album name. Turned out to be that it's a song. And a good one at that! Enjoy..

Count your blessings..with a calculator!

I have heard that phrase many times...Count Your Blessings. But what does it means? For all I know, I would be counting my blessing with the amount of ringgits I have in my bank account every end of the month, right after I paid all the bills and give money to my mom.

I suppose it should be more than that right? After all, most things that we cannot live without in our lives are free. The air that we breathe, the water (we pay the monthly bill but if we use less than RM20 it's free, remember?), even down to the land that we step on.

I read this blog, and I notice that this person lists down things that she is thankful for once a week. It would be a good mental exercise, trying to recount what happened for the past week that enable you to be where you are in the current week.

So I think I would do the same. Lately I have been feeling down because of that you-know-who and also because I am in no better financial shape compared to last year. I made a new year resolution (to myself, that is) that I would get significantly better pay this year, but it's not happening soon. Very little things can make me feeling so down, and most of the time it is money.

Today out of the blue Cik Asiah gave me "nasi bungkus" It was a meal from that awesome Indian restaurant down the road near 9th College. She bought me a wholesome meal - rice, fried tenggiri, potatos, vegetables and curry gravy. What a delicious meal. The only downturn is that I had it when it was already cold as I was fasting.

Oh, when I said today I meant June 6th. Didn't realize it is already another day.

I was actually craving for some ikan tenggiri and curry gravy with rice, and look what I got today. Perhaps I give HIM too little credit for not listening to what I want in life. Maybe I didn't realize what I got because I never wrote about them. Maybe, by writing what I receive or be thankful for everyday would remind me how much luckier I am compared to the people in Niger whose lives are so much worse than mine, and there's nothing they can do about it.

I can do something with my life. In fact, I am trying very hard to change my life. I want to learn, to get the highest degree, to earn Professorship before I retire. For now, the future looks bleak but it's not going to be like that forever. If I work hard enough I know I can make it. Heck, I felt like I graduated already when I handed the first part of my Chapter 4 on Wednesday!

When I went to get my rice from Dr Jawakhir (Cik Asiah left the rice with Dr J), I sat down and chatted with her a bit, since she will be retiring end of this month. She asked me why am I doing something very difficult for my thesis. I had to be honest: metaphor isn't my first choice. But I think I forgot to tell her how freaking in love am I with Wmatrix. I sound a bit demotivated because I am running out of time, but how I wish I know more about it!

How, I wish, that with just one look at the data, I can make better analysis and conclusion. I don't know what to say when I found out that the simplified text has more pronouns and less adjectives compared to original text. Please excuse my thesis-related ramblings but I feel so down when I can't figure out things easily. That is another point. I tend to forget when I had an epiphany about my thesis and only remember the times when I can't perform well.

So, I will write here as much blessings as I had these past few days and make every Friday a "Count your blessings" day.

• I fell down in front of the ATM machine but I didn't bleed. Just a few bruises on my knees. I still can walk, still can pray despite having to pray on the chair. 
• I am thankful for nasi bungkus from Cik Asiah (she's literally Dr Asiah now but she refused the title and insist people call her as Cik Asiah as usual).
• When I fell, I had no medicine with me. I went to see Ifa and her roommate gave me gamat (sea cucumber) oil. Then I told Cik Asiah what happened and she also gave another bottle of minyak ubat.
• I am thankful for Ifa's help by letting me stay in her room while waiting for the laundry to be done, for giving me some detergent, and for telling me how to get around in college (where's the bathroom, the washing machine, where to hang the clothes)
• I am thankful for Ifa's roommate who doesn't seem to mind I am there many times.
• I am thankful for after the nasi bungkus, I got some papaya from Cik Asiah. 
• I am thankful for the place where I am writing nowadays is air-conditioned and no one bothers me and that I have access to it 24 hours a day.
• I am thankful for the wifi is free, and there is a fridge and I can keep my food in there.
• I am thankful for the taxi driver last Wednesday was not a fussy one and sent me to the campus without much questions, even after seeing me carrying so many mineral water.
• I am thankful that my credit card still works even if I am wayyy past the limit. Have to stop spending with it though. At least til I pay the next bill.
• I am thankful for the RM10 Jusco voucher I cashed in. Still thinking what to buy with it.
• I am thankful that my 3rd Rejab fasting day was not as tiring and that I could still walk around Midvalley without collapsing after a day of fasting.
• I am thankful for that CD with Quran MP3 I received as wedding goodies.
• I am thankful for the delicious food at UM Food Court which sells food at normal price but with large servings.
• I am thankful for not having fever for a long long time once I dumped that particular brand of facial care. No more sore tonsil. This also means I can do more when I am healthy.
• I am thankful for having another Popeye's voucher in my purse, along with a voucher for two free movie tickets from GSC which I have no idea when I can use (can't wait!).
• I am thankful for the umbrella in the office which I borrowed this afternoon, and without it I might end up wet on my way back.
• I am thankful for the PC with 24 hours internet even when the wifi went kaput yesterday.

I'd better stop now. Have to prepare sahur. Probably bread with butter. Can't wait for next Friday.

What are you thankful for? Have you thanked the person for giving it to you?

Girl in Progress

In the previous post, I mentioned that I am on a full "downloading things from youtube" mode. Well, one of them is this movie, "Girl in Progress". It is about a girl named Ansiedad, who, in her chaotic flurry moment of being a teenager, decided that she would stage her own "coming to the age" experience herself. And how did she plan to do that? She planned to do all the things rendered as "adult-ish" so that she would get a closure and leap into adulthood. 

Ansiedad and her mom

According to the movie, in America, it seems that these are the things you do to be considered as an adult:

1. Be a nice girl, wear pink coloured clothes so people would regard you as a nice, goody-two-shoes kind of girl.
2. And then, change in the blink of an eye. Steal your mom's money, buy new clothes, hook up with the worst jackass womaniser, get into the popular girl's group. 
3. Go to wild parties, lose your virginity with that jackass womaniser, dump your best friend, and lastly, leave town. 

Penny and Howard's first time meeting

Now where have I heard the story? Oh right. Everywhere. In TBBT, Penny left her hometown so she can "grow" in a new place. (Don't get me wrong, I love Penny. It's just an example)

In that Britney Spear's movie, she left her town as well (wait, doesn't that sound like her life story?)

Britney in Crossroads

In Hick, a 13-year old got into an adventure of a lifetime by picking up some clothes and a gun she received for her birthday and left. What follows was probably the scariest a girl could go through.

If only life is that simple. I believe that things will not be fine, issues will not be resolved if everyone just simply pick up their stuffs and leave. That is not how you grow into adulthood.

Problems come and go, if everyone just leave then how are we going to solve it? Surely, just because a person has not left town and live somewhere else, then the person cannot grow?

I believe that in some point of our lives, we need to move out and go live in a foreign place. It is good for the soul. Some people choose to come back, some people choose not to. But leaving because the previous place is troublesome is not right.

Hick

I have lived in Perak and KL. I spent 4 years doing first degree in Perak and another 2 years (almost 2 yrs and a half actually) in KL. What an experience. Living on your own, no close family (my brother's in Putrajaya but when I lived in my rented apartment I was never there), finding ways to get to one place to another, got lost, went out at the wrong train station and had to find a cab to get to uni, 2 hours bus ride, being stalked, followed by a stranger…oh tell me about it. I've been through it all.

Even back in secondary school, I spent two out of five years in hostel. And then I lived in KUSZA for 3 years during diploma. Well, to sum it up, I have lived more than 11 years of my life away from home. It is refreshing, to try to get out of your comfort zone. If everything is bright and shiny I feel that life itself would turn dull.

You gotta have some rain if you want the rainbow eh?

And now, I am living in a very different environment. I have to keep it a secret until I am in the safe. You'll have to wait til July to hear the story.

Where was I? Oh yes, the movie. In the end, when things took a terrible turn and the girl's life went upside down, that's when she had an epiphany. She finally accepts the fact that not all life's experience can be staged. Some should be experienced naturally. Like growing up. No one know exactly when a person can say "I'm all grown up now". No, it does not happen like that. It would creep slowly into our lives and when we finally realised it, it is as if you have walked down a long road and suddenly you stop for a second and take a look around, and realised how far you've gone.

That's how it should be done. That's how people….progress.