Talking to my supervisor

"The action of removing someone's doubts or fears."

I told my supervisor this morning that I really appreciate that she gives me a lot of reassurances today. I was worried that I would not be able to get things done by December, but she reassures me, that she didn't see any reason why I am not ready to go through candidature defense.

I've been in a fragile situation the last few months. However, in the midst of frowning upon my "bad luck", I forgot that what I am going through is actually a test from Allah. I am being tested for my faith in Him, and I have failed miserably.

I have failed to see that all these "difficulties" in life would be rewarded, whether in this world or hereafter. That someday I will be looking back and feeling glad that I made it out alive, but I do wish I could change the ways I handle my problems.

Perhaps it is not too late to adapt a better approach in life. I know what I have to do, but there's something that keeps telling me to not to turn to Allah. All thanks to you lah shaitonirrojimmm.

I keep telling my close friends in the office to keep being positive no matter what happens to the faculty, but truthfully I'm the one who has to be more positive.

Whatever it is, I'm one step closer to what I have been working on for the past 3 years. I'll keep pushing. Even if it gets harder by time, I will not give up.

Sick

I feel sick.

I binge eat.

Some days I eat a lot, other days I eat little and don't feel a thing.

I feel tired all the time.

I sleep for hours and wake up more tired.

Poems of the olden days: Poem #1

I was browsing through the files in my external hard disk when I saw a folder named "WORDS". Curiosity got the better of me and I ended up reading the poems I wrote in my younger years. I must admit, it has been such a long time since I wrote any poem. Now I feel guilty for not doing it. 

I was writing the Literature Review (along with other chapters simultaneously) when I realised I am not as fast thinker as I used to be when it comes to writing nowadays. Perhaps those poem writing did help me when I wrote. I remember sitting at the table and come up with a full assignment in 2 hours (woke up at 6, delivered the assignment at 8 am, received good marks). I have no idea how I can do that, but I do realise I get a bit rusty lately. I could no longer do that. I know I don't read as much except for those darn journals and books, maybe I lack of imagination in writing because I neglect the simple joy of reading what I want.

To tell the truth I have tonnes of unread books on the shelves, a collection I gathered only quite recently during my two-year stay in KL. Before that I seldom buy books. I just don't think it's worth it. But in KL its different…there's Book Xcess and receiving that Book Voucher for IPTA students also played the part in me ending up with many unread books. I feel glad though, seeing that I will not run out of reading materials for another year or so. Anisa gave me two books last birthday and when we parted in December she asked me what I want as parting gifts, I pointed to the 6 masterpieces by Jane Austen. All unread as of today.

I have no idea what to post in this blog so I shall upload my poems one by one until I run out of poems and then I probably have to write new poems. Here's one I wrote when I was 14. I remember writing this on an exam writing pad and folding it many times so it fits in my school uniform pocket. I think I got the ideas from this story book my cousin gave me. The book was about fairies who lost the moon during a party or something. I lost the book but I'm glad to have this poem as a reminder of the book.

My Daffodils and Primroses

Daffodils,

Red, blue and white,

Primroses,

Indigo, yellow and white,

I watched them grow,

From a distance,

Beautiful as it seems,

But late in the spring,

Describe my happiness,

Late and undescriptive,

Is it happy?

Or is it sad?

Like old crusty crackers,

Never holds long enough,

My daffodils…and primroses!

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

What not to do when writing your thesis

Man this thesis is taking wayyyy more time than expected. Sometimes I feel like flying to Amsterdam, get Prof Steen a seat next to me and say "Here, Jeremy-Renner-lookalike, point out what is wrong with my analysis, because I can't seem to get anywhere!"

And he probably would say "Why don't you read more?"

Read more. That's the problem. I read too little. Too little reading. Too little time. When I had a LOT of time, I was busy searching for WHAT to write. Such is my life.

Now that I am running out of time (see I plant a metaphor there? see?) I can't even put my fingers on which one to read first. It's agonizing, really. All I want is that for someone to point out the direction. There is no one here who can show me what is really going on. And that is the reason why I want to finish this ASAP. To go abroad and do PhD with either Prof Steen or Prof Semino. No one else.

But now I gotta work this baby first. I love it. I love learning every single thing about metaphors in psycholinguistic and linguistic sense. But I don't know whether I should take both route, or go deeper into one of them?

It will be answered soon. Soon enough.

Goddess of Corpus Linguistics? Help me!

Oh dilemma nya perasaan!!!

I checked my email just now and an invitation to join a seminar was sent by Cik Emi of postgrad office. I thought I was in luck! The seminar might provide some answers to my research problems. And then I looked at the fee..RM100! Boleh sangat!

Then I searched for the date. 24th NOVEMBER. No way jose. Is this a joke that God of Literature Studies is playing on me?

My mom will arrive in Terengganu on November 23rd..so how can I possibly attend this seminar? Unless I meet my mother at the airport and then I take the flight to KL at 10am and after the seminar I fly back to KT? Dream on Zura.

Hmph. Have to consult the Goddess of Corpus Linguistics in UM tomorrow. Or my supervisor. Ha.

D-day

My heart is beating so fast I could not breath.

My hands are clammy, my palms are sweaty.

My eyes are red.

My nose is runny.

My body is weak.

I hate today.

cuz life is busy and writing in blog takes time so i'll just pop up some random thoughts

ever felt like you're being appreciated for your real ability instead of your additional talents? for example, just cuz you're good with computers, people want you to be in their research group solely cuz you're expected to handle computer stuffs, when what you really want to do is linguistics analysis. these recent few weeks, i feel truly appreciated, for what i can do and much much more than that. my lecturer knows what i am good at, and sure sometimes the task seems impossible at times, but she hasn't stop encouraging ever since.

Edgyness Kills.

MY PROJECT PAPER IS IN TOTAL MESS!!

When all things fall apart at the same time, when everything which used to gleam brightly suddenly seems to be more blurry by time, how I wish I have a magic wand to take me to somewhere where nobody knows me. How I wish I have a magic wing which can fly me off to somewhere calm, leaving all my crumpled life. How I wish I have superpower like Hiro which can freeze the time, giving me as much time as I can to complete the incompletes, to finish the unfinished, and to repair almost everything that is wrong in my life right now.

This is the toughest time that I’ve ever encountered in my almost four years in university. My project paper is in total mess. I’ve never seen myself so weak…so weak that I’ve thought of quitting and go back to my hometown. I don’t like feeling weak. It’s something that I never want to encounter ever again in this life. I felt totally lost right now…because I am forced to do something which I have no interest in doing it. I can’t believe that the 3 years wait is now going to end up in nothing.

I have been waiting for the day to start doing my project paper from the very first step into this university. Instead, right now I felt like I never ever want to do any project paper at all. I hate to do things that I hate. I hate to be told around, to follow orders, even when I don’t have to do so. Just because YOU have power, it doesn’t mean that YOU can use it to force people to do things that they don’t like.

I guess it’s my “takpa” attitude that causes this misery. It’s in me…I can’t help it. I can’t stand up to my own stance because I don’t want to hurt other people, or to oppose their opinion, even when I have the right to do so…and I can’t believe how much pain and loss it causes me.

THE SWEET THANG (Not so sweet anymore, I guess…)

When people told me something about a guy I really like a few days ago, I felt dumbfounded, even bewildered at the facts they poured out of their lips. Why do bad news always come in one big f*cking package???

One guy told me that the not-so-sweet-thang is actually a dumbass who cares for nothing but his guitar. Another told me that I’d better off with another guy, that I deserve someone much better than him and his hedonistic kind of life. A close female friend told me that he’s a “hopeless freak”. Love truly is blind. So blind that I failed to see that heart-wrencher in front of me who’s been hiding behind an angel’s wings (aperla aku mencarut nih???).

Maybe I am blind in a way. I’m blind because I don’t want to see the truth. Just now when I dreamt of what my life would be after all these difficulties, I picture myself reading a book on a comfortable sofa during weekends. I imagine picking roses from my rose garden, plucking mangos from my mango farm, and yet I didn’t place any guy in my dream. Maybe because I don’t want a guy yet in my life. There’s just too many things to do, too many dreams to achieve before I can finally succumb to marriage.

I hope that my life will be in order again after I finished my project paper. I love my project, no matter how bad it will turn out to be. Dear Allah, please give me strength to get through this all…amin…

Of dreams and black pepper chicken

Hm…things have been really slow these last few days. I lost most of my sleep hours because of the never-ending assignments. I made over RM80 of translation and some text paraphrasing, which took half of my leisure time. But it didn’t matter. Life must go on, bebeh! My project paper is in total mess…haven’t look at it for a week already. I had a dream juz now about the project paper (see how disturbing it is?) In my dream, Siti Yong handed me the students’ work and their scores on the pre-test. Dang it’s annoying. In the dream, they didn’t even answer the questions. As I wonder what to do, the phone ringing slapped me back into reality. It was Ily, asking whether I can accompany her to go get her convocation robe.

Just now I had my lunch…Diane cooked some black pepper chicken. It’s good…to wake up and have someone said “Zura jom makan?” hehehe…and yes I did wake up at lunch time. It’s university life, you know. Go figure.

The practicum registration is on 10th March. Just now Mr. S called me and asked me when my friends and I will be available for the briefing. It’s to inform us about which school can we go and which we can’t go to. Me and Kak Na had decided to go to a school in Bukit Beruntung, due to some pleasant comments by the lecturers about the school. Plus the living cost is not that high compared to other places.

Y’know…the thing that annoys me the most during this last semester in UPSI is how things didn’t change for good…yet. I think I have been battling every morning to go to the lectures. What’s with the bus-fight, the lack of facilities in UPSI (especially cafés). I remember back then they had a really nice café at the Art and Music Faculty. That’s where me and my mates used to lepak around before and after theatre classes. And every Wednesday or Thursday they had something called “Santai Seni” which is some kind of stress relieve to most of us. Now all they have is the empty café with occasional banshees passing by. (Juz kidding).

However, looking back at the university, and remembering how it used to be, the new students are in for a much better future. There were only one ATM machine back then, and we were forced to wear shoes to go into the library. But I still hate the lectures at Taman U. Still. And Will Always. Do. Period.

And now presenting the top ten songs in my head rite now… (Drum roll!!!)

1. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
2. Biggest Star Ever Met – Some local band which for some reason I cannot state their name here…but I like the lyrics. Meaningful.
3. Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold (Zam gimme this song and it sounds really nice!)
4. Kiyoharu – Carnation (Theme song from Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge)
5. Delta Goodrem – In This Life
6. Jennifer Hudson – One Night Only (practice…practice…hehe)
7. Mika Nakashima – Glamorous Sky
8. Shayne Ward – Breathless (Gosh what happened to me?)
9. Hijjaz – Doa Pagi (okay it’s not a song but I listened to it every morning what?)
10. Queen Latifah – Big Blonde and Beautiful

so long y'all beautiful people...jana!

The Sweet Thang

For a reason I have never been able to find out, I am quite (actually… really really bad) at remembering names and face. Every time I go to a camping, functions or motivation program, and met new friends, I would remember the person at there and then only. Unless we keep in touch. Tu pun punyala susah…I remember back in 11th Asian Canoe Championship’05, I had to guide a group of South Korean athletes, and on the first day, I met their Vice President of Canoe Association of Korea. The next day, I met him again, and I forgot his face. I bow (seriously Koreans and Japanese memang suka tunduk-tunduk nih..tension aku mase tu!) and introduced myself to him once again. He said “Didn’t we meet yesterday? I remember your name…it’s JURA”.

Ok old man. You’re good at remembering names and faces, but you truly suck at pronunciation. Jura?????? Its Zura la!!! Nevermind. What I’m getting at is that I truly suck at remembering names and faces. And when I finally remember this guy’s face, so strong his presence in my mind that the next time I meet him I actually smiled at him…there must be something in him right?

Here is my summary of what happened from the first time I saw him. It all started on the month of March 2007 (that long ago…*sigh*). I was riding in the bus from campus going back to college, and there weren’t really many people in the bus. I sat quite far behind and saw this sweet lil thang sitting in front of me. Seriously, in my almost four years in uni, I’ve never been so keen and interested in a guy before. And so I dreaded myself to get off from the short journey (I wish we’re on our way to KL or sumthing!) and saw him getting off. I hesitated, and finally I have the courage to wait and see where he’s heading…to find out which college he was staying at that time.

And so my journey into hell-like admiration starts. It seems like God is really supportive this time. I saw him almost every week…either in the bus, or cafes or just by the sidewalk. Every Tuesday, I would bump into him at the café because I had my theatre practice at his faculty. Oh…I forgot…a few days after the first meeting, I saw him playing guitar and won a title in a college festival. He can play the guitar!!! How sweet…The next day, I saw him having lunch alone…and he had black nail, which is quite cool. I guessed he notice I was staring, so he look at me and smiled. I felt like fainting! Hahahaha…stupid isn’t it?

Then after bumping so many times with him, and since I never had the courage to even say hi, this story is still hanged (tergantung la u ol!). I don’t know whether he’s still single, or whether he’s on his way to get a girl friend, but I’m still hoping that he would read this. And if I have the chance to meet him personally, I’d like to apologize for always (always as in always!) staring at you. Seriously, every time I saw you, there’ll always be a song that keeps playing in my head. Especially that sweet lil tune by Lauryn Hill “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”. I think I scared you off a lil bit. Thousand apologies.

For one, I did not know anything about you when I met you for the first time. I didn’t know that you’re a musician, and a real good one at that (believe me, people were showering praises to you each time I asked them about you). I didn’t know that you actually have a band which is becoming more popular by day (I juz downloaded your song..illegally..sorry!!hehe…cuz I couldn’t find your CD anywhere). I didn’t know ANYTHING at all about you at that time. That’s because I don’t care I guess. I don’t care who or what or who had you been before I met you. What I thought about at that time is that my heart beat so fast when I saw you that first time. Maybe it’s just a silly little crush…

If I can talk to you, I’d like to tell you that you’re such a gifted guy with music abilities. Keep it up…you’ll get to where you wanna be someday. I wish you all the best in your music career (since your song was played on the radio, I guess you’re heading that way eh?). That’s all I can do right now I guess. What else can I do when all I can do is to watch from a far?

Fuh…leganya…akhirnya…hahaha

I dunno if I’d be dubbing this post as stupid at a later time, but I’m leaving UPSI in a less than two months’ time, and I want to take this chance. Hm…sorry if this post offend anyone…

Battle Mode

these last few days has seen me battling with my ever-sensitive moods and my growing needs of attention from the people around me.i admit it that sometimes i am overwhelmingly needy - in a sense that i cannot quite understand clearly why some people act and react differently as time goes by.seeing people around me smiling so purely because of the new changes in their lives sometimes makes me wonder whether i will ever reach that nirvana-sort-of-level in life.

quoting from the movie "never been kissed", in the scene where Josie and and her best friend talked about "that first kiss with someone who makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time...", i always wonder whether i will find that special someone.that certain someone who would always put his trust in me come what may, the one that would not flinch an inch whenever i get my panic attack everytime when things don't go my way, the one that would slap some sense back into my complicated brain, and finally, the one that stand at more than 5'8" (nothing wrong wit dreamin' eh?)

my close friend once asked me what would my dream guy be.till today i never managed to give her a full sentence answer. i can never say something like "my dream guy would be someone who's fair, and tall and can speak english well", or "someone like josh hartnett" or at the very least, "tall,dark and handsome".i don't know yet what i'm looking for in a guy.probably because i never really sit down and think about it.or maybe because i don't care.who knows?

but there was this time when i was standing beside this guy whom i fancy, and it seems like everyone at the place vanished into thin air...the only person left was me and him and only him.sounds corny, huh?

i don't quite understand why some people fall in love so easily, and then cry themselves a river when they broke up.is that's what love is all about?i should not be asking this question, but i can't help but wonder whether i would eventually ended up at the same point...that point where people fell be in love because everyone else is doing the same, because it is the "in" thing.

i don't know where my life would lead me, but wherever God will put me in the future, i wish at the end of this long winding road, he wil lead me to that special someone.

Wireless Bangang

internet mmg cam shial hari nih.ade ke patut dekat garis2 yg ade line internet tu asyik kelip2 cam hape..cam biskut chipsmore pun ade, kejap ade kejap takde.bengang betul aku.dahla besok encik syaril nk tgk questionnaire adaptation...with the theoretical base skali. APe ke hal? ingat kitorang dh blaja ke nk buat questionnaire encik syaril oi!!!!

tetibe sem nih nak kena amik kelas spss. FYI, spss stands for statistical packages for social sciences. go figure.hari2 aku masuk kelas tu mcm mimpi je.mcm en.syaril tu ayam, kami nih itik.hapekebende die cakap langsung aku tak paham.aku tau la ANCOVA, ANOVA, chi-square tu ape, tapi tak pernah terfikir kena blaja skang.lagipun research kitorang mane ade pakai sample sampai beratus2..cam buang karan pun ade pegi blaja spss tp takleh guna questionnaire tu in real life kind of research!

sebenanye mase aku taip blog nih internet limited connection.memang nak mampos la tukang pasang internet nih.aku tak kire.besok aku nak gi tebang tiang wireless blakang bilik nih.dasar tiang tukun!!!!!when they first installed the wireless post, everything went well..heaven seyh...laju giler sampai aku bleh download hanakimi japan sesuka hati jek.then sum stupid dumbfool pegi pasang modem...one modem for each three houses.for sure la rumah aku tak kena tang pasang modem tu.seriously, diorang nih tertinggal otak ke kat pejabat mimos tuh????
arghh..tensen wehhh...ergh...what should i do????

during lunch today i had a hearty conversation with cheryl".its really frightening to hear her story (which i'm not mentioning here...duh!!) .its been only for a few days back that i started to think seriously about my relationship with this guy that i hontoni suteki! for all these years i kept waiting and what did i get? i got shit on my back thats what i got.

i dunno if i should be asking questions like "Where are we heading to?" and "do you feel like i feel?" to him. i mean, that'd be me crossing that one ocean with a giant leap.damn this is freaking hard.but i cant just let the chances go by, not taking risks cuz i'm too scared to face the fact.

part of me wants to keep this kind of weird creepy but warm feeling (its love la you fool!) and just let it died unspoken, but part of me wants to let it all out, and get ready to be rejected or accepted, keeping in mind that at least in the future i can tick off the option "pour out all my feelings to a guy whom i really like, sincerely" from the "things i wanna do before i die" list.

yes i do have that list somewhere at the back of my mind..some other things included are "dump a guy who's not worth it".tick."bungee jumping".untick."parachuting".untick. "audition for AF at least once".untick."sing on the Panggung Budaya Stage"tick."join a marathon", "achieve datuk paduka","visit all the islands in malaysia", bla bla bla...all UNTICK. so you see now how busy i am trying to tick all the things i wanna do in the list????

whateva it is..i gotta go sleep now.so dat (hopefully) i can get up early tomorrow and do my questionnaire.damn it.

now i'm listening to "walk away" by christina aguilera.so the very seswai dengan my situation skang nih.argh!!!

"and it hurt my soul...cuz i cant let go...all these walls are caving in...i cant stop my suffering...i keep going back to the one thing that i need...to walk away from"

Desperately Seeking Faith!

aku tak tau la nak tulih ape kat blog nih. few days ago i wrote halfway and i dunno which button did my elbow hit, suddenly smua kat screen nih ilang. tensen betul. so i make a new resolution with blog: just write whateva i want without minding the lil things like the font color (yes i do mind it!) and the size, pic, whateva.

rite now smua org kat umah dh tdo.except for ija bilik sebelah keeps going in and out of the bathroom.basuh baju agaknye.gile ape basuh baju memalam buta nih? huk ala...mcmla aku tak penah buat.rite now i'm listening to this new song i just downloaded ILLEGALLY from ARES. by the way, the artists should have this one persatuan menangkap orang yang mencipta torrent.ok ker? hahaha..kesian diorg tulis lagu susah2 but duit harem tak masuk. but its a good way of promoting them. like me, i do download series mcm hanakimi or stand up! but then if i have enough money of course i'd buy the original ones for keepsakes.IF la kan...hahaha

ok.skarang lagu vanilla by Gackt. pelik betul nama.mak bapak bagi nama "gaku" or sumthing, nk tuka la bagi omputih jadi gackt.hensem jugak, and the song is funky-like.actually aku tgh pening nak tulih proposal nih.aperla nk jadik!!!!ana fenin la fenin! esok miss...ooppss..DR shima nk tgk aku nye proposal.apela aku nak goreng nih.of course i have the idea, but tang nak tulih elok2 dalam paper nih aku fenin...adui...

ape2 je la! tadi tgh chat ngan si farid tetibe si tarararararan dtg kaco!isk..geram btul.i wonder whats he doin with farid's pc.oi taran! dun download chua soi lek punya video tau!ape2 je la...these last few days asyik rehat jer...tatau nk buat hape.translate ade lg dlm 48 pages (i'm not kidding!). the owner didnt call me yet so go figure.and i've juz installed ares instead of the buzzing rumours abt it containing viruses more that the dirty clothes in my laundry bag (juz kidding!). i really need some new songs,. cant help it...*sigh*

jap...skang nih lagu jay chou, which i dunno the title so i juz put it "mystery song". one reason is the way the song sounds..mysterious giler...but its fun.*yawns* ngantukla pulak.proposal tak siap lagi...in fact, satu ayat pun belum tertulis oleh jari jemariku ini dek kerana kepala hotakku yg berserabut.mane nk buat translate, mane nk kejar proposal.

actually, last saturday, i witnessed with my own two beautiful *ahem* eyes...something which i never thought would happened.i saw a guy whom i really like walking with someone i know.it kinda sux.i mean, who would've thought they know each other...and dating?ergh...i shud've just forget him.i dunno...these last few days mcm mimpi...kinda like when you go into the lift, and sedar2 dh sampai 3rd floor, or 13th floor...juz like dat...

i dunno what shud i think anymore. maybe this is the end of this crazee one hand clapping (bertepuk sebelah tangan la you all) kind-of-love. i guess some things (or a beautiful made-in-heaven-guy) is just not meant to be mine.but why does my kokoro (heart) go doki doki shitaina (dup dap dup dap) everytime i see him???????

(now lagu Honey by L'Arc~En~Ciel...pelik btul namenyer..tapi takpela lagu best..weh korang download la tak rugi). ape2 pun..i have to finish my proposal by tonight.that means, no sleep tonite! argh...too bad...i have to meet ms hasimah tomorrow at 10am.ergh...before i pen-off (or keyboard-off..whateva la) this is my top ten mp3 playlist...

1. 6th sense - cintailah aku seadanya (best weh...tak sangka malay band bleh nyanyi se-best ini)2.ramlah ram - ketentuan (kak ramlah...so the very hawt la this song!)
3.hujan- bila aku sudah tiada (ni baru blaja kord die smalam...ok jugak)
4.opick - taqwa (korang jgn tak caye aku pun dgr lagu nasyid tau!)
5.snada - demi matahari (meaningful lyrics)
6.che'nelle - hurry up (if its me...hurry up!!!)
7.ungu - seperti waktu yang dulu
8.elyana - kalis rindu (okeila minah ni...lagu pun catchy)
9.jay chou - mystery song
10.gackt - vanilla (pencalonan baru minggu ini...yeah..hahaha)

thats all folk! tunggu aku hari esok!!! (kalo aku bosan sgt jap agi aku tulih lagi...hahahaha

daaaaaaa!!!

Of Japanese OSTs

Recently, I have been watching a lot of Japanese Dramas. Firstly, My Boss My Hero. I accidentally found it in my housemate's laptop. Thinking that it wouldn't harm me, I tried the first episode.Hadn't stop watching it since.Hadn't stop downloading whateva songs in the drama.And hadn't stop going ga-ga over Nagase Tomoya's pics...KAWAIII...

Nagase and Yui

Then came Hana Kimi. Cheryl showed me the Taiwanese version, but realizing how funny MBMH was, I downloaded the whole Japanese version of Hana Kimi, and no, I'm still not over it...yet.Still can't get over the time when Ashiya handed Sano the hammer..KAWAIII..

~Nakatsu::Ashiya::Sano~

Just now I browsed http://www.crunchyroll.com/ and found this cute drama entitled "Lovely Complex".Just watched a few episodes, and suddenly something snapped in my brain. MY FIRST FINAL PAPER IS IN 5 DAYS AND I HADN'T READ ANYTHING.So there goes the drama.

I guess I have to leave everything and open the damn notes and read it.WITHOUT the pc switched on, cause if it's on, then there goes my notes..my grades...my dreams of becoming DATUK PADUKa...isk..

Bye-bye J-Drama (for two weeks)...

C u on 23rd October, 12noon...I promise...tsk tsk!

p/s: by the way I juz downloaded some OSTs from Mukodono! That drama was from 2003 but nevertheless, nice OSTs.Off to sleep now..daaa!!!

I'm free..!!! (For a few seconds..*Sigh*)

The final theatre assessment is finally over!! And we got off that without even having to make a folio, juz like our seniors had to...Not all the seats at the Panggung was filled, but at least our show was given a good review by the Dean of the Faculty of Art and Music (mind you this is not my faculty...).

I'm grateful that nuthing weird happened at that night, because the place (Panggung Budaya) is such a creepy place. Lots of weird/misteri nusantara things happened there.A day after the show did I only found out about the things that happened on night before Friday, which is our last rehearsal...

Me and Farid got locked in the Panggung. It was already 1 am-sumting at that time, and the lights went off just as I was packing my stuffs. I freaked out, calling Farid and Martha to turn on the lights of their mobile phone screen, and I managed to grabbed my phone, but I lost my pendrive (another $45 went to waste...damn!!!). So it was during that chaos that I ran to the door...read this: I was only a few steps behind Rizal, Martha, Vanessa and Lanz when the door stuck. Feeling uneasy, I ran towards the other door and managed to get out of the hall safely.

Lights in the toilet went out. Kak Zu was in the toilet, and just second before she finished doing her business, suddenly the lights went off...by itself. She ran to her car, and saw sumthing is bertenggek in front of her car. Hows that for a night of mystery in UPC???

Mysterious picture. On the day after the show, Martha kept messaging me asking whether Tash was at home. She told me about a mysterious picture where u can see (although blur) an image of a couple and a baby standing behind the main actors during the rehearsal. So when Tash showed up with Martha at that evening, we analyzed the pic. I can't say that I don't believe that mysterious "other world", but this pic really gives me a creep.

Anyways, exam is approaching and I haven't touch a single book or note yet. There's another translation which I need to hand in today at 6pm, so I have to finish this first. I'm really in a dire needs of motivation to read the notes...cuz I dun feel like reading at all rite now. Hm...

Well then, wish me luck...

Lunatics District

These last few weeks has seen me trying to survive the theatre production team..whats with the different opinions, the "sentap" malady, and the budget shortage. I felt like repeating the paper next semester, but I have no choice but to endure the pain of working with the people who think they're way better than me. Anyways, I have chosen this path, so come what may, I'll stick to it and NO REGRETS.

Nevertheless, some interesting things happen during our practice...which includes;

Somebody hit the set and we could hear chatters of "Whats happening??" "Oi..angkat balik!!!" and "We are so dead". I want to laugh but thinking that my lecturer is sitting in front of the stage, I keep it till he very last moment.

Me being a Nenek Tua because I have no choice at all. My lecturer asked me to help the other group in my class to lit up the candle during the performance. The first rehearsal, I burnt my finger. The second rehearsal was good, but the third rehearsal, the lighter was almost out of gas, so a friend who sat at the front row had to lit up the candle for me. Damn!

Protocol manager? Duh!!! Yes, I am grateful for not having to act or dance on the stage for this show. I'm through with having to take off my tudung for something like theatre. I'm not that religious, but I'd rather keep my head covered, thank you.

HE appeared out of nowhere. Farid first told me that HE was at the other end of the hall, and it's been a while ever since my heart beat that fast. The Diane called me and said "Zura ko tau tak sapa yg ada kat dalam panggung??" I said "Yes, I do". Not even a minute after that, Tasha looked at me with that "Look-at-the-other-side-of-the-panggung-and-you'll-find-heaven" look, hahahahaha...nevermind. Not that I would do anything about it. All I could do now is to enjoy what I saw... *SIGH*

Nevertheless, the show is tomorrow night, and I have been praying to Allah that nothing will be wrong, and to give us patience to work with each other and to face all the difficulties. Insha-Allah.

Folks, come over to our show. Its totally FREE!!!

Me and myself

Every now and then, I would read Malay novels. Y'know, with that mushy-mushy kind of story where boy meets girl, boy likes girl, fall in love, get married, get babies...yada yada yada. And then it became such a trend in these Malay novels to include all kinds of hardships that they have to go through in order to end the story with a "and they live happily ever after" kind of thing.damn irritating (and why the heck did you continue reading, Ms Azureus??)

Because...

Because we human tend to live in imagination.And imagination is free.No duties, no per-hour-fees, no bills.Just us and the broader world than what we're living in right now.In my imagination, I can choose my hero, vigilants, and sometimes, the passers-by.Its fun because it's not real.In real world in everything that you do, you have to think of the consequences, the goods, the bads out of it.But in imagination, your mind is free to soar..either up in the sky or deep into the sea..

And the best part of it is that nobody will know about it.Unless you have a friend who have a mind-reader or sumthing, nobody will ever know what you're imagining.Everytime I read those novels, I've always wish that I am in the charcter's shoes..Of being loves, and to love...to give my heart unconditionally to someone.It all sounds too good to be true to me.

Thats it.My brain can't produce anymore words tonight.I have 3 assignments to pass up next week.One of them a script (DAMN!) for my final theatre assesment. Hopefully I won't get burnt until I finish them all.In two weeks time is Merdeka holiday (yay...cant wait!!!).

"Sometimes I wish I can grab all my happiness moments and put them in a jar so that I can recall those memories only by shaking the jar"

The Monday Morning Blues..

Yep..I know its way too early to be called Monday Morning, but hell yeah...its already 12.00am so I have another 8 hours to go before my first lecture this week.Not exactly lecture, since the lecturer just basically talk and talk and talk and talk...damn it!

Tomorrow's earliest lecture is my minor theatre lecture. Means, no boring books, no writing no nuthing. Just basically sittin' there and wait for the three hours to pass by. Yup! I'm not kidding! Damn 3 long hours.Since this is my final minor year (6th semester is considered minor program's last semester), we are supposed to handle theatre production. The script is already chosen (of which i will never have a part in it because of my size - I curse you all damn tiny waisters!!). And talking about the script, its "Uda dan Dara", a typical malay theatre. We plan to do musical this time, so its gonna be a lot of hard work.

Talking about theatre, I think I have been passionately adoring it ever since I was involved with dramas in my college years in KUSZA. Back then, it wasn't theatre at all, cuz we're more into language and literature. I remember reading a lot of literature stuffs in the small room or "mini library" behind the main office of Language Centre. (I wonder why they can't have it here in UPC). There were no librarian, so it was more like, if you're honest, you'll return the book thingy. But of course, the ever-so-honest Azureus here always, i mean ALWAYS return the books at the end of the semester.haha...

Anyways, last week I went to the Perak Theatre Festival, in which we represent one of the two groups from UPC. Didn't get through even the 3rd place, but it's a good experience, since it was my first time to compete in state level(I was only the backing vocal for the main actress, anyways, nuthing much). What I didn't understand is that the judges didn't vote based on the technical aspects of theatre presentation. I mean, the group that won the title was hopeless in blocking (a technical term in which it refers to the state of the actors which cannot block each other from being visible to the audience, and in turn, making it seems lifeless or as u say it in Malay, "kaku"). The judges, it seems, did not have a favour in the genre purbawara, a classical malay theatre (ala2 Jebat, Hang Tuah and the likes). Ironic, isn't it? Since all the judges are Malays...

Now I'm not provoking Malay theatre activists, it's just that, judging from my experience, I think what my group did was fantastic.Not many theatre activists dare to direct or write something on purbawara, which wasn't favoured by many people because they thought it was all boring and old. Wrong!!! I used to underestimate this kind of theatre, thinking that it's a waste of time with all those pantun and old language and names (females usually get flower names such as kenanga, melati, and etc).But after I join the production, my perception changed. I think if it's done carefully, it can be a way of transferring information on our country's history, especially the pre-war history.

I remember one article written by Johan Jaaffar in NST, who said:
"Perhaps Sandiwara (purbawara) did not enjoy the glamour of Bangsawan, the popularity of the "realist" playwrights, or the attention of the experimental dramatists of the 1970s. But the Sandiwara marked the emergence of the "thinking class" in Malay drama productions".

If it marked the emergence of the "thinking class" of the Malays, shouldn't we just give it more focus? Its not lame at all, if we all could only spend more time analyzing what the story is all about. I'm not in the position to criticize other genre of theatre. In fact, I love them all (especially musical). But sometimes people tend to forget their ancestors, which is sad, and they tend to degrade or even underestimate the earlier genres.

Look at me, I started with my "monday morning blues" and I'm already halfway to be bashed by realism and surrealism activists...I'm not complaining because we didn't win, I'm just basically pouring out what I felt, from what I saw, and what I experienced. I'm never into Malay theatre before, but now you can count me in. And looking at the background (mind you, I'm majoring in English), I think I can put aside my Londonish taste in theatre and join the boat marked "Purbawara", which had been waiting for more passengers.