Chapter Schmapter

I admit it, I'm a little bit of a drama queen. But I only have dramas in my mind. I don't like face to face confrontation, and hate it when people talked to me in a harsh voice.

The last few weeks have been difficult. But I like today. No, I have no money in my savings account because the university decided to hold my pay while I work like crazy trying to finish dissertation so I can come back to work for them. 

Today a colleague dropped by my office (not really mine, I crashed in at a colleague/cousin's office just to make sure I would write everyday. She's not using it for now, so I guess it's a pretty good deal) and commented that I seem to work very hard. Hell yes of course I have to. Why, was I a lame worker the previous couple of years when I work full time before taking a study leave?

Wait, didn't I say like today? Oh right. I do. I just finished chapter 2. I went from 2000 words about a week ago to 9000 words last night (more like this morning at 2.30am). Not bad for a staff on study leave who asked for a second extension. 

I like today, yes, but I would always remember the unnecessary predicaments the people up there put me through. That was nasty, cutting off people's pay just because your staffs are incompetent bunch of people who spent half of 8 hours working and spend the rest with watching yootoob and hence, could not process my application on time. 

I'm sure I would look back and think of myself as a feisty character when I read this post again in maybe 5, 10 years. But I would probably won't regret a thing. I don't regret, I just keep going and even though my own mother thinks I'm a crazy character now that I am trying to adapt to the frugal lifestyle, it doesn't matter. She's my mother, I will take care of her. But no one can control my thoughts on finance and how I handle my life.

To be honest, my mother never taught me anything about frugality. She worked really hard, probably made more money than an average man in my hometown but still, at the age of 65, she has no savings whatsoever, and has to depend on me. That is one overgeneralization in Malay society that I hate. Sure, everyone lives that way, but it doesn't have to be that way. I don't regret anything on having to take care of her, but I do regret not having someone in my life who would teach me about frugality. About not spending hundreds of ringgit on a simple pair of baju kurung.

In my mother's world, there is always rezeki everywhere. And there are always things to buy. When I told her to keep her BR1M money and try to spend less than rm100 a week on groceries and food, she looked at me like I'm insane and said "but I want to look into the kitchen and see what we don't have". The answer is, mother, EVERYTHING! I curtly told her, look, if you go into the kitchen and evaluate on things that you don't have, you'd forever be spending all your money as soon as you have it! I said, "look around, find things that you haven't used, and use them!". 

No, she doesn't understand that concept.

I can't control my past, but I can control my future. I had a bad financial state, (it still is bad, considering I have about rm80 to live until end of March), but I suppose things do change slowly. I record my spending everyday, I have No Spend Days at least 3 days a week. I'm in the process of surrendering my life policy because when I went through the policy document, I found out that I am actually making a promise to die before the age of 70 or I won't be receiving any money that I deposited into their insurance company for 40 years. Crazy? Maybe. No-brainer? Totally.

My sister said I should keep my money in Tabung Haji. Make a commitment, keep the money in the bank where the zakat would be automatically deducted. So yes, the money that I had spent monthly for insurance will go to my TH account after this. Maybe I'll add another 100. 

A lot of people (the Malays around me, anyways) have this stupid stupid stupid stupid (see how I hate that kind of belief) point of view fossilized since their poor ancestors up to the ones in present days that we should live in a structured, age-dependent life. For example, at 22-25, we should get a good job, drive a car, get married. 26, get a kid. 27, get another kid. Then at 30 it just stops moving because of the mundane life they go through - take care of kids and husband/wife. And that's it.

Today (well, actually, for the rest of my life), I stand up against that kind of life. Thanks, but I think I can handle my own life. I have no car, but I get to work anyway. What? I don't have a driving license yet? Oh, maybe it's none of your fucking business. Wait, I'm 30 and not married? And fat? Oh my, you're going to die alone. Why, are you the one who has to dig my grave? Didn't think so.

The End

I'll be away

I don't think I can take  this anymore.

I'll just be away.


NO IT'S NOT YOU STUPID DEMOTIVATOR THING CALLED MONEY.

Things will get better if I hold on.

I made soup!

I made carrot soup today!

It's not my first time cooking soup (hell no), but it is my first attempt trying my hands at making soups that freeze well. When I go to write in campus nowadays, I don't even bother to leave the building until 6 pm, so it's good to have warm food in the office. Tomorrow I'm dropping by Ziq Bakery to pick up some garlic bread or french baguette.

It's my first in many more to come, and I'm glad I did. Here is the recipe:

1 tbsp oil
One yellow onion, diced
One celery stalk, diced
400ml water
4 large carrots, diced
One tomato, diced
1 tsp Pasti Sedap
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp crushed black pepper

1. Heat the pan, saute the onion and celery.
2. Add the water, carrot, tomato, pasti sedap, salt and pepper.
3. Cook for 20 minutes. Turn of the heat. Cool for 15 mins.
4. Blitz in blender for a while, about 1-2 minutes. Makes 4-5 portions.

Next time I make soup I'll include the budget as well. I didn't buy the ingredients and my mom hardly keep the receipts so next time I'll make sure I have the calculation.

Sometimes a warm cup of soup is all I need to keep up with the writing. I honestly didn't know it would take this long to write the dissertation. Why in the world would they need 40,000 words? That's 160 pages!!

Throw a slice of cheddar on the hot soup. Would probably not do it again.

Once I'm done with my Masters, I would work for a year or two, and then pick up my bag and leave.

I can't wait.

Lonely

Isn't this world a lonely one?
When you have no wealth

No inheritance from a rich father
No trusted brother to keep you from harm

No partner, no children
No car, no house
No proportionate figure
No person to confide
And not one person whom you can trust

Isn't this world an unbearable one?
When you have debts
House debts, study debts
Credit card debts

I took the wrong step
I give in to other people's wishes
And my mistakenly lead instinct
But that would be the last wrong step
I would ever take.

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Poem #10

That's it. I'm running out of poems. So have to be back writing normal things after this. This is my 10th and my last from the old poem folder in my laptop.

There's a title for this poem but it seems unsuitable. So I'll leave it title-less for now.


finding love
it isn't easy
but when fate calls my name,
I'm going to give it a go

why did I let myself
to fall in love with you?
why didn't I stop
before I hurt myself

I've been living a lonely life
if I tell you it has been an easy ride
then I'll be lying

tell me you'll stay
tell me you'll be mine

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Poem #9

I wrote this poem for my close friend, Anie. We met when we were in secondary school but we got close only when we were in Form 4 (16 years old). Anie was sort of my private counselor at that time, and a lot of people wondered what was it that kept me smiling all the time, when Anie was the only one who knows that I am that kind of girl who kept everything bottled up.

Nowadays we don't talk that much anymore. The last time I met Anie was during my birthday party last year. She had a sleepover at my place. I really miss her, but things are bound to change when we grow up. I have always wished for certain things to remain the same, but that was only a wishful thinking.

I gave her this poem during one of her birthdays, probably when I was in UPSI.

--Best of friends--

called up at 3am

and there you were 

there you were

listened to all of my craps

and here we go

here we go 

again

sat beside me everytime

I'm troubled, troubled

all I have to do is sit

and say nothing, owh nothing at all

magically my problems disappear

to a certain place

well, you don't wanna be there

cause you are

the best of friends

and we are

living at the edge

of broken hearts

and I wanna

thank you for ur time

and your piece of mind

wish you well

the best of friends

best of friends

It sounds a lot like song lyrics, eh? Maybe I should compose a melody for it.

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Poem #7 and #8

Here's a short poem for today:


life is all but a dream
truth is nothing but life
in all of the obstacles in a stream
there's one that leads you to be alive

peace is all but myth
lie is nothing but creation
for all the truth that lies beneath
there's one lie that hides perfection

No title. Must be an unfinished poem.

And here's a Malay poem. I don't normally write in Malay but I suppose there must be a reason why I wrote it at that time. This poem was pinned on my inspiration board when I was in UPSI.


manifestasi hati

hujan
kau limpahkan 
segala rembesan
biar hilang keresahan
biar datang ketenangan

angin
kau tiupkan bayu dingin
agar tumbang pokok beringin
biar hilang rasa teringin

ombak
jangan kau rombak
pasir yang indah itu
biar kekal begitu
agar aku tidak berubah
biar sampai hilang arah

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.