Edgyness Kills.

MY PROJECT PAPER IS IN TOTAL MESS!!

When all things fall apart at the same time, when everything which used to gleam brightly suddenly seems to be more blurry by time, how I wish I have a magic wand to take me to somewhere where nobody knows me. How I wish I have a magic wing which can fly me off to somewhere calm, leaving all my crumpled life. How I wish I have superpower like Hiro which can freeze the time, giving me as much time as I can to complete the incompletes, to finish the unfinished, and to repair almost everything that is wrong in my life right now.

This is the toughest time that I’ve ever encountered in my almost four years in university. My project paper is in total mess. I’ve never seen myself so weak…so weak that I’ve thought of quitting and go back to my hometown. I don’t like feeling weak. It’s something that I never want to encounter ever again in this life. I felt totally lost right now…because I am forced to do something which I have no interest in doing it. I can’t believe that the 3 years wait is now going to end up in nothing.

I have been waiting for the day to start doing my project paper from the very first step into this university. Instead, right now I felt like I never ever want to do any project paper at all. I hate to do things that I hate. I hate to be told around, to follow orders, even when I don’t have to do so. Just because YOU have power, it doesn’t mean that YOU can use it to force people to do things that they don’t like.

I guess it’s my “takpa” attitude that causes this misery. It’s in me…I can’t help it. I can’t stand up to my own stance because I don’t want to hurt other people, or to oppose their opinion, even when I have the right to do so…and I can’t believe how much pain and loss it causes me.

THE SWEET THANG (Not so sweet anymore, I guess…)

When people told me something about a guy I really like a few days ago, I felt dumbfounded, even bewildered at the facts they poured out of their lips. Why do bad news always come in one big f*cking package???

One guy told me that the not-so-sweet-thang is actually a dumbass who cares for nothing but his guitar. Another told me that I’d better off with another guy, that I deserve someone much better than him and his hedonistic kind of life. A close female friend told me that he’s a “hopeless freak”. Love truly is blind. So blind that I failed to see that heart-wrencher in front of me who’s been hiding behind an angel’s wings (aperla aku mencarut nih???).

Maybe I am blind in a way. I’m blind because I don’t want to see the truth. Just now when I dreamt of what my life would be after all these difficulties, I picture myself reading a book on a comfortable sofa during weekends. I imagine picking roses from my rose garden, plucking mangos from my mango farm, and yet I didn’t place any guy in my dream. Maybe because I don’t want a guy yet in my life. There’s just too many things to do, too many dreams to achieve before I can finally succumb to marriage.

I hope that my life will be in order again after I finished my project paper. I love my project, no matter how bad it will turn out to be. Dear Allah, please give me strength to get through this all…amin…

Mumble Away

It’s been a full week since I blogged. I went back to hometown last Wednesday, and on that day I’ve learnt:

1. Aunty kat kedai ketoyong cannot be trusted at all. Ade ke patut aku dh tempah tiket die jual kat orang lain. Suwey betul.
2. Anie truly is my best friend forever. She went out of her way to buy me the ticket so I can go back to my mother. Love ya always.

My mother will be staying in the hospital for another week or two. I arrived at the hospital Thursday morning at 5am. Can you imagine walking all alone in the hospital at 5 am in the morning? Damn scary! Especially when I walked past through the rooms with the signboard “Rumah Mayat”. Waaaa…takut giler…but I managed to walk past that all.

I slept on the hospital bed for four nights, and ia sangatlah tak best. No wonder people who went out of hospital are never the same. It’s like a death bed. Takut giler. Hopefully my mum will be OK fast! Cuz its really no fun going back home with her in the hospital. Dear Allah, make my mum healthy again! Amin.

The food really sucks and my mother only succeeded once in making me eat those horrendous meals. She herself plak instructed me to go Pizza Hut la, Ayamas la…ade ke orang sakit selera macam tu? Isk…tapi kalau aku kena makan makanan hospital macam tu lagi sakit ade la…

Hmm…voting season is over…and I felt uneasy about BN losing five states to the opposition. Sangatla tak best when I think about this kinda makes me feel like I’m not at home in Malaysia anymore. People dah mula berpecah..and its kinda scary. What will happen in the future? I went to vote and I was quite dumbfounded by the boring-ness I witnessed. What? No people grabbing people to vote for their parties? No sepanduk besar2? No nothing! Even those muslimat PAS in green and white jubbahs are afraid to tegur me. Then beratur pun tak sampai lima minit terus mengundi.

Just now I went to Ponggal Nite Festival at SITC. Best jugak tengok diorang menari. But the music is too loud at times and that damn spotlight sangatla menyakitkan mata. Ayo yo…kesian kat makcik sebelah aku, kena tutup telinga sebab music kuat sangat. But overall best jugakla. Balik hometown nanti mane nak ade smua tuh.

Of all my almost-four-years in UPSI, I have gone to Japanese and Chinese Festival (both in charge of food, thanks to Miss Mazura…hehehe). Tonite tengok Tamil culture plak. Abis Ponggal Nite pegi round2 kat pesta konvo. Pesta la sangat. Pasar malam Tanjung Malim lagi best.

K la folks. Mata dah berat. Abeh ni aku nk tido sepuas puasnya after a really busy week (so busy that I forgot to wash my undies…hahahaha…terpaksa beli baru). Good nite!

I Want To Go Home

Today I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to have my breakfast. I didn’t want to do my laundry. I didn’t want to do anything. I just want to sulk alone in my bed…with nobody interfering. But I have to get up anyway. I have to do my laundry because if I don’t, they’ll pile up and I’ll get mad over the sight of that dirty laundry.

My mom called me at 7 sumthing in the morning and asked me whether I have any important tests during the week. I felt curious because she usually won’t ask those kinds of questions. Yesterday she told me she was at the hospital, getting her eyes checked. It seems like she’s gone blur again.

Then she broke the news. Yesterday she was admitted to the hospital. She didn’t even tell me because she thought I’d worry like hell (which I did). So today after Subuh prayer she told me about it. I felt like I want to fly home straight away. Damn the assignments, the presentations and the proposal.

I can’t go back. I have seminar presentation tomorrow night. Just now Ms Hasimah called me and asked what made me call her when I know she’s attending conference. I told he what happened and she asked me repeatedly whether I want to go home. So she cancelled one of the classes. Still, I can only go back this Friday morning. I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to go home.
Damn the proposal.
Damn the seminar.
Damn everything.

I just want to go home.

The Pasar Malam Thing...hihihi

Greetings beautifuL people of the universe!

Today is one of those days where I felt like flying but falling down at the same time. Last night I didn’t sleep until Subuh prayer. Watched Haunted School (Chinese movie) and Jumper (dang! Hayden Christensen is sooooooo hot!). Hate both stories’ ending. Especially the Chinese movie.

I went to pasar malam at 5pm after giving much consideration (the girls in my house kongsi2 beli barang to cook tomyam. And who’s the cook? Go figure.) And off we go (me, Farid, Ct, Cheryl and Sue Aie [duri ikan…hahahaha] to pasar malam Tanjung Malim, the most happening event weekly here in TM. No kidding.

It was quite cloudy when I arrived there. Had to move fast cuz the crowd’s getting bigger. As I passed through the fruit stalls, I saw Sweet Thang in front of me. He looked solemn, I wonder why. I was praying silently that he will look at me and I swore to myself that I will not let this chance go away just like that, and I closed my eyes. Suddenly, he’s in front of me and I said “Hi!” to him. He replied and we parted. I DID IT. It was little, but at least I did it. Now you guys know how malu2 I am (or in the same case, how tall my ego is. Can’t help it).

Now that I’ve made myself known to him, next time won’t be that hard (hopefully). I mean, yeah I kinda (yela sangat…kinda…what a denial) like him, but it’s not that I’ve made myself a promise of celibacy till I marry him. Duh~~

Back to home, had some sleep before waking up and cook a storm! Hahaha…at least somebody said I could open a kedai makan or sumthing. Hehehe…tersangatla hepy when people comment (nicely) on my cooking.

Tushy came back from meeting with her dad in KL and handed me McD’s Spicy Beef Fold Over which I have been mengidam for so long! So nice! Love ya Tushy! Talking about mengidam…somebody owe me jeruk buah (yum yum…) from Penang (You know who you are, Daniel). Hm…Daniel went to Brunei for a week to attend Student Leader Conference…wonder if he’s back already? Gimme that jeruk already, will ya?)

Oh…did I told ya I actually met Sweet Thang three times today? And with each meeting, my knees grew wobblier? Ergh…this is bad (is it? :P~)

By the way, I don’t think I can go back and vote this year. My mum pun didn’t really encourage me to. Plus I have too much work to be done, and this Monday Siti Yong is coming to hand me the Pre-Test replies for my project paper. Hopefully every thing will be fine. Help me, Dear Allah!

That’s all for now. Gotta get some sleep so I can be ready to do some translation work and readings for my thesis. Dang this semester is the most tiring! See ya again…till then, Genkidena!

Of dreams and black pepper chicken

Hm…things have been really slow these last few days. I lost most of my sleep hours because of the never-ending assignments. I made over RM80 of translation and some text paraphrasing, which took half of my leisure time. But it didn’t matter. Life must go on, bebeh! My project paper is in total mess…haven’t look at it for a week already. I had a dream juz now about the project paper (see how disturbing it is?) In my dream, Siti Yong handed me the students’ work and their scores on the pre-test. Dang it’s annoying. In the dream, they didn’t even answer the questions. As I wonder what to do, the phone ringing slapped me back into reality. It was Ily, asking whether I can accompany her to go get her convocation robe.

Just now I had my lunch…Diane cooked some black pepper chicken. It’s good…to wake up and have someone said “Zura jom makan?” hehehe…and yes I did wake up at lunch time. It’s university life, you know. Go figure.

The practicum registration is on 10th March. Just now Mr. S called me and asked me when my friends and I will be available for the briefing. It’s to inform us about which school can we go and which we can’t go to. Me and Kak Na had decided to go to a school in Bukit Beruntung, due to some pleasant comments by the lecturers about the school. Plus the living cost is not that high compared to other places.

Y’know…the thing that annoys me the most during this last semester in UPSI is how things didn’t change for good…yet. I think I have been battling every morning to go to the lectures. What’s with the bus-fight, the lack of facilities in UPSI (especially cafés). I remember back then they had a really nice café at the Art and Music Faculty. That’s where me and my mates used to lepak around before and after theatre classes. And every Wednesday or Thursday they had something called “Santai Seni” which is some kind of stress relieve to most of us. Now all they have is the empty café with occasional banshees passing by. (Juz kidding).

However, looking back at the university, and remembering how it used to be, the new students are in for a much better future. There were only one ATM machine back then, and we were forced to wear shoes to go into the library. But I still hate the lectures at Taman U. Still. And Will Always. Do. Period.

And now presenting the top ten songs in my head rite now… (Drum roll!!!)

1. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
2. Biggest Star Ever Met – Some local band which for some reason I cannot state their name here…but I like the lyrics. Meaningful.
3. Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold (Zam gimme this song and it sounds really nice!)
4. Kiyoharu – Carnation (Theme song from Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge)
5. Delta Goodrem – In This Life
6. Jennifer Hudson – One Night Only (practice…practice…hehe)
7. Mika Nakashima – Glamorous Sky
8. Shayne Ward – Breathless (Gosh what happened to me?)
9. Hijjaz – Doa Pagi (okay it’s not a song but I listened to it every morning what?)
10. Queen Latifah – Big Blonde and Beautiful

so long y'all beautiful people...jana!

The Sweet Thang

For a reason I have never been able to find out, I am quite (actually… really really bad) at remembering names and face. Every time I go to a camping, functions or motivation program, and met new friends, I would remember the person at there and then only. Unless we keep in touch. Tu pun punyala susah…I remember back in 11th Asian Canoe Championship’05, I had to guide a group of South Korean athletes, and on the first day, I met their Vice President of Canoe Association of Korea. The next day, I met him again, and I forgot his face. I bow (seriously Koreans and Japanese memang suka tunduk-tunduk nih..tension aku mase tu!) and introduced myself to him once again. He said “Didn’t we meet yesterday? I remember your name…it’s JURA”.

Ok old man. You’re good at remembering names and faces, but you truly suck at pronunciation. Jura?????? Its Zura la!!! Nevermind. What I’m getting at is that I truly suck at remembering names and faces. And when I finally remember this guy’s face, so strong his presence in my mind that the next time I meet him I actually smiled at him…there must be something in him right?

Here is my summary of what happened from the first time I saw him. It all started on the month of March 2007 (that long ago…*sigh*). I was riding in the bus from campus going back to college, and there weren’t really many people in the bus. I sat quite far behind and saw this sweet lil thang sitting in front of me. Seriously, in my almost four years in uni, I’ve never been so keen and interested in a guy before. And so I dreaded myself to get off from the short journey (I wish we’re on our way to KL or sumthing!) and saw him getting off. I hesitated, and finally I have the courage to wait and see where he’s heading…to find out which college he was staying at that time.

And so my journey into hell-like admiration starts. It seems like God is really supportive this time. I saw him almost every week…either in the bus, or cafes or just by the sidewalk. Every Tuesday, I would bump into him at the café because I had my theatre practice at his faculty. Oh…I forgot…a few days after the first meeting, I saw him playing guitar and won a title in a college festival. He can play the guitar!!! How sweet…The next day, I saw him having lunch alone…and he had black nail, which is quite cool. I guessed he notice I was staring, so he look at me and smiled. I felt like fainting! Hahahaha…stupid isn’t it?

Then after bumping so many times with him, and since I never had the courage to even say hi, this story is still hanged (tergantung la u ol!). I don’t know whether he’s still single, or whether he’s on his way to get a girl friend, but I’m still hoping that he would read this. And if I have the chance to meet him personally, I’d like to apologize for always (always as in always!) staring at you. Seriously, every time I saw you, there’ll always be a song that keeps playing in my head. Especially that sweet lil tune by Lauryn Hill “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”. I think I scared you off a lil bit. Thousand apologies.

For one, I did not know anything about you when I met you for the first time. I didn’t know that you’re a musician, and a real good one at that (believe me, people were showering praises to you each time I asked them about you). I didn’t know that you actually have a band which is becoming more popular by day (I juz downloaded your song..illegally..sorry!!hehe…cuz I couldn’t find your CD anywhere). I didn’t know ANYTHING at all about you at that time. That’s because I don’t care I guess. I don’t care who or what or who had you been before I met you. What I thought about at that time is that my heart beat so fast when I saw you that first time. Maybe it’s just a silly little crush…

If I can talk to you, I’d like to tell you that you’re such a gifted guy with music abilities. Keep it up…you’ll get to where you wanna be someday. I wish you all the best in your music career (since your song was played on the radio, I guess you’re heading that way eh?). That’s all I can do right now I guess. What else can I do when all I can do is to watch from a far?

Fuh…leganya…akhirnya…hahaha

I dunno if I’d be dubbing this post as stupid at a later time, but I’m leaving UPSI in a less than two months’ time, and I want to take this chance. Hm…sorry if this post offend anyone…

Battle Mode

these last few days has seen me battling with my ever-sensitive moods and my growing needs of attention from the people around me.i admit it that sometimes i am overwhelmingly needy - in a sense that i cannot quite understand clearly why some people act and react differently as time goes by.seeing people around me smiling so purely because of the new changes in their lives sometimes makes me wonder whether i will ever reach that nirvana-sort-of-level in life.

quoting from the movie "never been kissed", in the scene where Josie and and her best friend talked about "that first kiss with someone who makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time...", i always wonder whether i will find that special someone.that certain someone who would always put his trust in me come what may, the one that would not flinch an inch whenever i get my panic attack everytime when things don't go my way, the one that would slap some sense back into my complicated brain, and finally, the one that stand at more than 5'8" (nothing wrong wit dreamin' eh?)

my close friend once asked me what would my dream guy be.till today i never managed to give her a full sentence answer. i can never say something like "my dream guy would be someone who's fair, and tall and can speak english well", or "someone like josh hartnett" or at the very least, "tall,dark and handsome".i don't know yet what i'm looking for in a guy.probably because i never really sit down and think about it.or maybe because i don't care.who knows?

but there was this time when i was standing beside this guy whom i fancy, and it seems like everyone at the place vanished into thin air...the only person left was me and him and only him.sounds corny, huh?

i don't quite understand why some people fall in love so easily, and then cry themselves a river when they broke up.is that's what love is all about?i should not be asking this question, but i can't help but wonder whether i would eventually ended up at the same point...that point where people fell be in love because everyone else is doing the same, because it is the "in" thing.

i don't know where my life would lead me, but wherever God will put me in the future, i wish at the end of this long winding road, he wil lead me to that special someone.