Aku Sedih...

aku rase sedih skarang.aku tak tau la kenape tapi tetibe je rase sedih.dan aku malas nak fikir kenapa aku sedih.tapi bagi mengurangkan kesedihan aku nih, aku kena jugak fikir kenapa aku sedih?hm...i guess it's because of someone.its always because of someone goddammit!then aku kena fikir plak kenapa la aku nak sedih2 sebab someone (or many ones..whateva).

sumtimes i feel like i'm being used by people...and at times i feel like i'm using people around me.i guess i did both.i'm being used and i use.there's some kind of weird sense when you feel like you're being used by someone.and there's also feelings such as guilt and regret when you use someone.i guess we cant escape from all these feelings as human.

tapi there's no reason why i should always be the one yang kecewa.kenapa ek?maybe bcuz i put too much trust on certain person.maybe that certain person doesn't deserve my trust at all.maybe i shouldn't trust them in the first place.maybe trust is such a bad word.damn i wanna erase that word from the dictionary!

hm..i don't know why, and I haven't found out (probably will never find out) why is it alwiz me who loses in the end.i'm not manusia yang mudah menyerah kalah, but in certain things, i'd rather keep my mouth shut and let go of the things that i want most in my life.like love.yeah love...i hate that word (in human sense, nt love for god, ok?) this is another word i want to erase from the dictionary (temporarily).

its nice to have a shoulder to cry on at times like this.but will that shoulder alwiz be there for me?in this almost 25 years of my life, i've learnt that its not worth it to put too much trust in someone.yeah i do trust some people with my life, but sometimes when that certain someone broke that trust, damn its hard to get back on the normal situation.

is there really someone out there for me?i'm not losing hopes yet, but i'm not hoping that much either.there's so many things i wanna achieve just by being with me and only meself...but it would be nice to have a certain someone whom i can go to for whenever i need some reality check...

here's a song lyric which i can't get it out of my mind.its "Bleedin' Love" by Leona Lewis...

closed off from love

I didn't need the pain

once or twice was enough

and it was all in vain

time starts to pass

before you know it you're frozen

but something happened

for the very first time with you

my heart melted to the ground,

found something true

and everyones looking round

thinking I'm going crazy

but I dont care what they say,

I'm in love with you,

they tried to pull me away,

but they dont know the truth,

my hearts crippled by the vein

that I keep on closing
you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love,

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

you cut me up

trying hard not to hear

but they talk so loud

they pissing sounds fill my ears

try to fill me with doubt

let them know that the goal is to

keep me from falling

nothings greater than

the rest that comes with your embrace

in this world alone the loneliness

I see your face your everywhere around me

everyone thinks i'm going crazy
maybe, maybe

but I dont care what they say

I'm in love with you

they tried to pull me away

but they dont know the truth

my hearts crippled

by the vein that I keep on closing

you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love,

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

you cut me up

and its draining out of me

oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I dont care what they say

I'm in love with you

they try to pull me away

but they don't know the truth

my hearts crippled

by the vein that I keep on closing

you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love, keep bleeding,

keep keep bleeding love

oh you cut me open and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

oh you cut me open and I

keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love...

Of babies in sarong penyu

This entry ditujukan khas kepada enchek y_n_s...

hehe...jangan marah bro. aku tujukan entry untuk ko sebab aku tengok ko cam depress jak. Hm...you know when you said that "happy is elusive word.we'll never be happy". Not that i take it seriously, but i think happiness is in our mind. sapela taknak happy dalam dunia nih.

Talking about happiness, i look back at my life in university. not that it really sux or anything, i think i made a few good memories, and also a few bad memories. the rest are just trying to survive in this world full of bandits and angels.ewahhhh

Come to think of it, i could have just sit in my hostel room, and do my work, without going out...just sit at the meja study, read everything that i could, and then go to classes, do extremely well in exam.But what does it mean to be in university?What does it mean to live?

I could've save a lot of money if i stop going out with my friends, could have simpan dalam deposit account, but that also means i could have miss the chance to live! So thats why i'm so the very poor but if my friend ajak pegi karaoke ke, tengok teater ke, i'll go.Sebab bila balik my hometown, i'll never have all this chance. And whats the most important is, I'll never have the same crowd to go and have fun with.

I know this might seem so ridiculous to some people, but life is all about giving and taking.I give some, and i get more than what i give.Live is too short to leave all the important things like having good friends to hang out with...and i thank god for giving me such a lively circle of friends.

Everybody has their own perception about life, but the core essence of living does not change no matter what happen.We cannot live on our own, and thus we need other people to fulfil our needs, and other people need us to fulfil theirs.What you think is not important today might be very important to you in the future.Thats how the saying goes "Be nice to people you meet today, no matter how annoying they are.You'll never know what's gonna happen in the future".

Okla i made that saying up..but isnt it true? of course that matter of true or false i leave to you guys to judge.just remember to live every moment.i sum up my entry today with this poem i found in the japanese movie "yuuki". (yuuki is the 8th person in this world who's diagnosed with the "dissolving bones" syndrome)

the essence of life

to comprehend the value of one year,
just ask the students who failed their entrance exam.

to comprehend the value of one month,
jusk ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

to comprehend the value of one week,
jusk ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

to comprehend the value of one hour,
just ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

to comprehend the value of one minute,
just sk the people who missed their stop on the train.

to comprehend the value of one second,
just ask the person who managed to avoid an accident just in time.

to comprehend the value of one tenth of a second,
just ask the person who ended up with a silver medal at the Olympics.

the hands of the clock will continue ticking.

therefore, treasure every moment you have,
and treat today as the utmost gift you'll have.

p/s: actually, this blog entry has got nothing to do with y_n_s. but then, its all up to your own interpretation.hehe.have a nice day, bro.may you be happy alwiz!

--am listening to "Emo Girl by The New Teen Titans".cool song--

Wireless Bangang

internet mmg cam shial hari nih.ade ke patut dekat garis2 yg ade line internet tu asyik kelip2 cam hape..cam biskut chipsmore pun ade, kejap ade kejap takde.bengang betul aku.dahla besok encik syaril nk tgk questionnaire adaptation...with the theoretical base skali. APe ke hal? ingat kitorang dh blaja ke nk buat questionnaire encik syaril oi!!!!

tetibe sem nih nak kena amik kelas spss. FYI, spss stands for statistical packages for social sciences. go figure.hari2 aku masuk kelas tu mcm mimpi je.mcm en.syaril tu ayam, kami nih itik.hapekebende die cakap langsung aku tak paham.aku tau la ANCOVA, ANOVA, chi-square tu ape, tapi tak pernah terfikir kena blaja skang.lagipun research kitorang mane ade pakai sample sampai beratus2..cam buang karan pun ade pegi blaja spss tp takleh guna questionnaire tu in real life kind of research!

sebenanye mase aku taip blog nih internet limited connection.memang nak mampos la tukang pasang internet nih.aku tak kire.besok aku nak gi tebang tiang wireless blakang bilik nih.dasar tiang tukun!!!!!when they first installed the wireless post, everything went well..heaven seyh...laju giler sampai aku bleh download hanakimi japan sesuka hati jek.then sum stupid dumbfool pegi pasang modem...one modem for each three houses.for sure la rumah aku tak kena tang pasang modem tu.seriously, diorang nih tertinggal otak ke kat pejabat mimos tuh????
arghh..tensen wehhh...ergh...what should i do????

during lunch today i had a hearty conversation with cheryl".its really frightening to hear her story (which i'm not mentioning here...duh!!) .its been only for a few days back that i started to think seriously about my relationship with this guy that i hontoni suteki! for all these years i kept waiting and what did i get? i got shit on my back thats what i got.

i dunno if i should be asking questions like "Where are we heading to?" and "do you feel like i feel?" to him. i mean, that'd be me crossing that one ocean with a giant leap.damn this is freaking hard.but i cant just let the chances go by, not taking risks cuz i'm too scared to face the fact.

part of me wants to keep this kind of weird creepy but warm feeling (its love la you fool!) and just let it died unspoken, but part of me wants to let it all out, and get ready to be rejected or accepted, keeping in mind that at least in the future i can tick off the option "pour out all my feelings to a guy whom i really like, sincerely" from the "things i wanna do before i die" list.

yes i do have that list somewhere at the back of my mind..some other things included are "dump a guy who's not worth it".tick."bungee jumping".untick."parachuting".untick. "audition for AF at least once".untick."sing on the Panggung Budaya Stage"tick."join a marathon", "achieve datuk paduka","visit all the islands in malaysia", bla bla bla...all UNTICK. so you see now how busy i am trying to tick all the things i wanna do in the list????

whateva it is..i gotta go sleep now.so dat (hopefully) i can get up early tomorrow and do my questionnaire.damn it.

now i'm listening to "walk away" by christina aguilera.so the very seswai dengan my situation skang nih.argh!!!

"and it hurt my soul...cuz i cant let go...all these walls are caving in...i cant stop my suffering...i keep going back to the one thing that i need...to walk away from"

Desperately Seeking Faith!

aku tak tau la nak tulih ape kat blog nih. few days ago i wrote halfway and i dunno which button did my elbow hit, suddenly smua kat screen nih ilang. tensen betul. so i make a new resolution with blog: just write whateva i want without minding the lil things like the font color (yes i do mind it!) and the size, pic, whateva.

rite now smua org kat umah dh tdo.except for ija bilik sebelah keeps going in and out of the bathroom.basuh baju agaknye.gile ape basuh baju memalam buta nih? huk ala...mcmla aku tak penah buat.rite now i'm listening to this new song i just downloaded ILLEGALLY from ARES. by the way, the artists should have this one persatuan menangkap orang yang mencipta torrent.ok ker? hahaha..kesian diorg tulis lagu susah2 but duit harem tak masuk. but its a good way of promoting them. like me, i do download series mcm hanakimi or stand up! but then if i have enough money of course i'd buy the original ones for keepsakes.IF la kan...hahaha

ok.skarang lagu vanilla by Gackt. pelik betul nama.mak bapak bagi nama "gaku" or sumthing, nk tuka la bagi omputih jadi gackt.hensem jugak, and the song is funky-like.actually aku tgh pening nak tulih proposal nih.aperla nk jadik!!!!ana fenin la fenin! esok miss...ooppss..DR shima nk tgk aku nye proposal.apela aku nak goreng nih.of course i have the idea, but tang nak tulih elok2 dalam paper nih aku fenin...adui...

ape2 je la! tadi tgh chat ngan si farid tetibe si tarararararan dtg kaco!isk..geram btul.i wonder whats he doin with farid's pc.oi taran! dun download chua soi lek punya video tau!ape2 je la...these last few days asyik rehat jer...tatau nk buat hape.translate ade lg dlm 48 pages (i'm not kidding!). the owner didnt call me yet so go figure.and i've juz installed ares instead of the buzzing rumours abt it containing viruses more that the dirty clothes in my laundry bag (juz kidding!). i really need some new songs,. cant help it...*sigh*

jap...skang nih lagu jay chou, which i dunno the title so i juz put it "mystery song". one reason is the way the song sounds..mysterious giler...but its fun.*yawns* ngantukla pulak.proposal tak siap lagi...in fact, satu ayat pun belum tertulis oleh jari jemariku ini dek kerana kepala hotakku yg berserabut.mane nk buat translate, mane nk kejar proposal.

actually, last saturday, i witnessed with my own two beautiful *ahem* eyes...something which i never thought would happened.i saw a guy whom i really like walking with someone i know.it kinda sux.i mean, who would've thought they know each other...and dating?ergh...i shud've just forget him.i dunno...these last few days mcm mimpi...kinda like when you go into the lift, and sedar2 dh sampai 3rd floor, or 13th floor...juz like dat...

i dunno what shud i think anymore. maybe this is the end of this crazee one hand clapping (bertepuk sebelah tangan la you all) kind-of-love. i guess some things (or a beautiful made-in-heaven-guy) is just not meant to be mine.but why does my kokoro (heart) go doki doki shitaina (dup dap dup dap) everytime i see him???????

(now lagu Honey by L'Arc~En~Ciel...pelik btul namenyer..tapi takpela lagu best..weh korang download la tak rugi). ape2 pun..i have to finish my proposal by tonight.that means, no sleep tonite! argh...too bad...i have to meet ms hasimah tomorrow at 10am.ergh...before i pen-off (or keyboard-off..whateva la) this is my top ten mp3 playlist...

1. 6th sense - cintailah aku seadanya (best weh...tak sangka malay band bleh nyanyi se-best ini)2.ramlah ram - ketentuan (kak ramlah...so the very hawt la this song!)
3.hujan- bila aku sudah tiada (ni baru blaja kord die smalam...ok jugak)
4.opick - taqwa (korang jgn tak caye aku pun dgr lagu nasyid tau!)
5.snada - demi matahari (meaningful lyrics)
6.che'nelle - hurry up (if its me...hurry up!!!)
7.ungu - seperti waktu yang dulu
8.elyana - kalis rindu (okeila minah ni...lagu pun catchy)
9.jay chou - mystery song
10.gackt - vanilla (pencalonan baru minggu ini...yeah..hahaha)

thats all folk! tunggu aku hari esok!!! (kalo aku bosan sgt jap agi aku tulih lagi...hahahaha

daaaaaaa!!!

Of Japanese OSTs

Recently, I have been watching a lot of Japanese Dramas. Firstly, My Boss My Hero. I accidentally found it in my housemate's laptop. Thinking that it wouldn't harm me, I tried the first episode.Hadn't stop watching it since.Hadn't stop downloading whateva songs in the drama.And hadn't stop going ga-ga over Nagase Tomoya's pics...KAWAIII...

Nagase and Yui

Then came Hana Kimi. Cheryl showed me the Taiwanese version, but realizing how funny MBMH was, I downloaded the whole Japanese version of Hana Kimi, and no, I'm still not over it...yet.Still can't get over the time when Ashiya handed Sano the hammer..KAWAIII..

~Nakatsu::Ashiya::Sano~

Just now I browsed http://www.crunchyroll.com/ and found this cute drama entitled "Lovely Complex".Just watched a few episodes, and suddenly something snapped in my brain. MY FIRST FINAL PAPER IS IN 5 DAYS AND I HADN'T READ ANYTHING.So there goes the drama.

I guess I have to leave everything and open the damn notes and read it.WITHOUT the pc switched on, cause if it's on, then there goes my notes..my grades...my dreams of becoming DATUK PADUKa...isk..

Bye-bye J-Drama (for two weeks)...

C u on 23rd October, 12noon...I promise...tsk tsk!

p/s: by the way I juz downloaded some OSTs from Mukodono! That drama was from 2003 but nevertheless, nice OSTs.Off to sleep now..daaa!!!

I'm free..!!! (For a few seconds..*Sigh*)

The final theatre assessment is finally over!! And we got off that without even having to make a folio, juz like our seniors had to...Not all the seats at the Panggung was filled, but at least our show was given a good review by the Dean of the Faculty of Art and Music (mind you this is not my faculty...).

I'm grateful that nuthing weird happened at that night, because the place (Panggung Budaya) is such a creepy place. Lots of weird/misteri nusantara things happened there.A day after the show did I only found out about the things that happened on night before Friday, which is our last rehearsal...

Me and Farid got locked in the Panggung. It was already 1 am-sumting at that time, and the lights went off just as I was packing my stuffs. I freaked out, calling Farid and Martha to turn on the lights of their mobile phone screen, and I managed to grabbed my phone, but I lost my pendrive (another $45 went to waste...damn!!!). So it was during that chaos that I ran to the door...read this: I was only a few steps behind Rizal, Martha, Vanessa and Lanz when the door stuck. Feeling uneasy, I ran towards the other door and managed to get out of the hall safely.

Lights in the toilet went out. Kak Zu was in the toilet, and just second before she finished doing her business, suddenly the lights went off...by itself. She ran to her car, and saw sumthing is bertenggek in front of her car. Hows that for a night of mystery in UPC???

Mysterious picture. On the day after the show, Martha kept messaging me asking whether Tash was at home. She told me about a mysterious picture where u can see (although blur) an image of a couple and a baby standing behind the main actors during the rehearsal. So when Tash showed up with Martha at that evening, we analyzed the pic. I can't say that I don't believe that mysterious "other world", but this pic really gives me a creep.

Anyways, exam is approaching and I haven't touch a single book or note yet. There's another translation which I need to hand in today at 6pm, so I have to finish this first. I'm really in a dire needs of motivation to read the notes...cuz I dun feel like reading at all rite now. Hm...

Well then, wish me luck...

Lunatics District

These last few weeks has seen me trying to survive the theatre production team..whats with the different opinions, the "sentap" malady, and the budget shortage. I felt like repeating the paper next semester, but I have no choice but to endure the pain of working with the people who think they're way better than me. Anyways, I have chosen this path, so come what may, I'll stick to it and NO REGRETS.

Nevertheless, some interesting things happen during our practice...which includes;

Somebody hit the set and we could hear chatters of "Whats happening??" "Oi..angkat balik!!!" and "We are so dead". I want to laugh but thinking that my lecturer is sitting in front of the stage, I keep it till he very last moment.

Me being a Nenek Tua because I have no choice at all. My lecturer asked me to help the other group in my class to lit up the candle during the performance. The first rehearsal, I burnt my finger. The second rehearsal was good, but the third rehearsal, the lighter was almost out of gas, so a friend who sat at the front row had to lit up the candle for me. Damn!

Protocol manager? Duh!!! Yes, I am grateful for not having to act or dance on the stage for this show. I'm through with having to take off my tudung for something like theatre. I'm not that religious, but I'd rather keep my head covered, thank you.

HE appeared out of nowhere. Farid first told me that HE was at the other end of the hall, and it's been a while ever since my heart beat that fast. The Diane called me and said "Zura ko tau tak sapa yg ada kat dalam panggung??" I said "Yes, I do". Not even a minute after that, Tasha looked at me with that "Look-at-the-other-side-of-the-panggung-and-you'll-find-heaven" look, hahahahaha...nevermind. Not that I would do anything about it. All I could do now is to enjoy what I saw... *SIGH*

Nevertheless, the show is tomorrow night, and I have been praying to Allah that nothing will be wrong, and to give us patience to work with each other and to face all the difficulties. Insha-Allah.

Folks, come over to our show. Its totally FREE!!!