To new beginning

What being greedy has taught me about life

I think we all are greedy. Either we would admit it or not, it doesn't matter. At one point in life there will be a moment when you would feel that you lose a part of your self in return for fulfilling the empty spot in someone else's life. Truth is, it always happens like that. 

We are human beings, of whose brain is made up of fragments of memory and life experiences. Every little bit of the memory is tangled in the web of other people's fragments of memory. It's interconnected in a way that we couldn't imagine. To say that we are not greedy, is to deny the fact that in each of the memory and experience, somehow, every decision we made then, is not for the sole purpose of fulfilling that empty spot we want to fill with what our heart desires. We fill our memory and experience with the people that we want.

For the past nine months I have learnt what it's like to be with someone you can't have. To worry about his life which has been through so many difficulties, that to go back and do the right thing would bring everything down. To the point of no return, I see no future with this person, if we keep being greedy that is.

I am greedy, I can testify to that. I wanted this person to be with me all of my (and his) life. I wanted him to continue to support me, to always be there whenever I need him. I wanted him to focus his life on making me feel better. I also wanted him to give up the part of him where should he do it, he would lose his social circle. I wanted him to fill this empty spot in my life, without realising that it wouldn't be any better for us, if he were to lose his life for me. Along these lines, I also lost myself. I lost that part in me where I should always be independent, and that what my heart wants is not always what is good for my life. I lost me, while focusing too much on him in order to form a "we".

I'm at a better place now. I might not be able to erase all the memories, but I feel that I can get through this. I used to hide, used to stop myself from seeing or contacting him, but it was so terrible I lost time thinking about all the "what ifs" and "what could have beens". 

I have learnt that in order to love myself, I should give myself a break. I should never be afraid to work hard for what I deserve. It makes no sense to give all of me to a person, and that person should give all of him to me in order to be in a relationship. What happened was that we forgot who we were, and we were both disappointed at the end. Disappointment leads to anger, and while we were angry at each other, we said all the words we should have never said to someone we truly care about. 

I do believe he cares about me. He makes me feel better when I am going through rough days. It (still) is a very reciprocal relationship, one where we would do things for each other, which we have never done or would never do for anyone else.

However, I also believe that I deserve better. Well, not better, but more like, I deserve someone who makes me feel like I am half of a relationship, not a small part. It was good while it lasts, but it was not enough.

I have loved this person with all my heart. I still love him, but if letting him go means healing myself, then that is what I will do. If, by holding on to this feeling could only make me be hopeful for something that would never happen, then I am going to let go. 

I have learnt that letting go bit by bit has made me a stronger person. I do not have to run away from my problem. I face it, and try to change my habit to make the transition less hurtful. Whenever I feel like I am crossing the border between "I want you to be happy for me" and "I want you to be happy with me", I stop myself and ask, "is this where you want this to go?". If not, stop it.

One day, I will look back and tell myself, "you got through it. you did it". 

"I sayang you,

But loving you,

Decapitated my heart"

7 Sept 2016

Melepaskan diri dari kesusahan dan kemiskinan, adalah perkara dalam, semuanya dalam fikiranmu

Tiada sesiapa dalam dunia ini ingin hidupnya ditimpa kesusahan. Tiada siapa bangun tidur waktu pagi dan berkata "Tuhan, berilah aku kesusahan". Instead, you wake up early in the morning hoping for the best from God. 

Apabila melihat seseorang dalam kesusahan, kita cenderung berkata:

"Dia susah kerana dia tidak berusaha."

"Biarlah dia tu, padan muka jadi miskin. Masa senang dulu sangat boros." 

"Ah, dia itu memang, aku ajak mencari duit lebih tak mahu. Padanlah dengan dirinya jadi susah."

Sedangkan, adakah kita terlupa bahawa susah senangnya seseorang itu adalah ketentuan Allah? Are we that ignorant to ignore the fact that everything we gain and lose depends on His decision? Atau, adakah kita terlalu taksub dengan pandangan bahawa sesiapa yang berusaha dia akan mendapat ganjarannya, lalu melupakan bahawa ganjaran itu semuanya datang dari Allah?

Carilah rezeki semahumu, tapi jangan riak. Kita tidak tahu dimana kita akan berada tahun depan, bulan depan, minggu depan, esok, malahan di saat yang berikutnya. Kerana dalam masa satu saat, kita boleh berada di antara dunia yang fana atau alam barzakh. 

Ingatlah, ketika kehidupanmu senang, ketika kekayaanmu melimpah, ingatlah bahawa orang yang susah ketika kehidupanmu senang itu akan senang juga suatu hari nanti. Bukan kamu seorang yang tahu berusaha. Usahalah dengan jalanmu sendiri, tetapi jangan sekali-kali merendah-rendahkan usaha orang lain. Kerana nilai pada sesuatu barang berharga itu berbeza pada setiap orang.

Aku ceritakan pada kamu bagaimana aku mendapat pemahaman ini. Aku pernah membuat kerja tambahan, dan kerja itu aku lakukan bersama rakanku. Semasa membuat kerja, aku dapati diriku diberi tugas yang berat, dan memeningkan kepala. Sedangkan rakanku, walaupun tugasnya banyak, namun ia bersifat "repetitive", iaitu, kerja yang sama sahaja. Quantity vs Quality.

Lalu aku berfikir, "Ini tidak adil. Aku membuat kerja yang susah, sedangkan upah kami sama." Aku berfikiran sebegini selama beberapa hari. Tibalah hari pembayaran, dan kami dibayar upah yang sama.

Mungkin disebabkan didikan oleh keluarga dan guru-guruku, aku bukanlah orang yang akan mempersoalkan kenapa bayaranku berbeza, tambahan pula rezeki tu adalah kategori rezeki mengejut iaitu ditawarkan membuat kerja ini secara tiba-tiba. Maknanya, it could've been given to someone else, but it was given to me. Therefore I cannot ask for too much. Aku menerima sahaja tanpa berkata apa-apa, walaupun dalam hatiku ada juga perasaan tidak baik. 

Aku menyedari sesuatu apabila aku membeli sesuatu menggunakan duit tersebut. Aku membeli sehelai baju yang harganya sangat mahal (pada aku), tetapi selepas diskaun, aku cuma membayar RM40 ringgit sahaja. Begitu juga dengan makanan, apabila dibayar dengan menggunakan duit yang aku terima hasil kerja tambahan itu, aku mendapat lebih banyak dari yang sepatutnya. Percuma itu, diskaun ini, tawar-menawar yang berjaya, dibelanja rakan-rakan walaupun pada mulanya aku yang ingin belanja mereka.

Pada masa itu aku teringat perasaan aku yang mengatakan aku tidak dibayar sepatutnya. Inilah pengajaranNya padaku: NILAI SESUATU HARTA ITU BERBEZA. RM1 pada seseorang berbeza, berdasarkan keadaan mereka. Dan siapa yang meletakkan mereka dalam keadaan tersebut (susah atau senang)? Tuhanmu, siapa lagi?

Semasa itu, aku terasa sebak. Kenapa aku begitu senang melupakan kuasa Allah? Kenapa semasa aku diuji aku tidak mahu menyerahkan takdirku kepada Allah? Baru diduga sekecil itu dan aku telahpun tewas.

Semenjak itu, aku cuba mengubah persepsi mengenai wang dan harta. Kalau sudah termaktub bahawa harta itu hak kamu, datanglah sekuat badai sekalipun ia tetap akan jadi hak kamu. Kalau sudah termakstub bahawa ianya bukanlah hak kamu, berusahalah sekuatnya sehingga keluar air mata darah sekalipun, ia tidak akan jadi hak milik kamu. Pada masa itu, kuatkan fikiranmu, teguhkan dalam hati, "Allah has better plans for me". Kerana itulah yang sebaiknya.

Kerana itu, aku berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk tidak memandang pada harta dan kebendaan. Apabila dihina kerana aku miskin, aku tunduk, senyum dan berkata dalam hatiku "Hai lah saudara, kalau kamu tahu apa yang aku telah nampak dan faham, kamu tidak akan berkata atau berfikir sebegitu. I pity you, but I pray for Allah to show you the same thing that he has shown me."

Itulah serba sedikit bagaimana aku diberi peluang melihat kekuasaan Allah dengan caraNya yang tersendiri. Kita tidak mungkin tahu segala-galanya di dalam dunia ini. Apabila diberi peluang, ambillah dengan sebaiknya. Pelajari, amalkan, dan berserahlah setelah berusaha. Itu yang sebaiknya.

Moving a pain-in-the-ass kind of mountain

Its like whatever I do

Just can't get through to you

I'm never gonna tell you nothing wrong

Listen

Now, now she love me, shorty, I loved her

Used to jump up in the Maybach and roll out

Used to care, she used to share

The love that she used to give me can't be found

I lost my way, she said she'd stay

And lately I been sleeping with a ghost

My stock is down and out

I used to be worth my weight in gold

That was before the great depression kicked in and rocked us

And that was before the hurricane came in and stopped us

I told you to leave but you lied to me when you said that

Baby, no worries, I promise to get us back

I know sorries, just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through

But it's like moving mountains

Its like moving mountains, hey

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

It's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

She, she don't touch me, I don't touch her

We ain't really ever say a word

I really wanna give her everything she deserves

But the bad took away the girl

She thinks that I'm full of it, arguments

Always pissed, man I'm tired

Every kiss that I miss

Girl you know I'm trying

You never believe when I say

And I never believe it when you say

I love you, and I shouldn't complain about it

I should take it like a man and walk up out it

Cause we will never be the same

I've been standing in gas

And you have been the flame

So I know sorry, just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to get through

Gotta move this mountain

It's like moving mountains

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

It's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

Well baby why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

This must be a slow death that I'm traveling on

It feels so wrong, I'm barely holding on

See no matter what it takes, I've gotta get it together baby yeah

And these hills that I'm traveling up

He ain't showing me love, I'm down on my luck

Ooh, I'm done, oh

I know sorries just wouldn't do it

Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying, Im trying to travel through

But it's like moving mountains

It's like moving mountains

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change

Then the sky turns gray

And the water from the rain washes progress away

Its like moving a mountain

I'm trying to move this mountain

Well baby why you just leave me, just leave me be

Just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be

Why you just leave me, just leave me be, oh

Baby baby

Forgetting you is like moving a mountain indeed

However, no matter how hard it is, 

No matter how impossible it is to do so,

I will win.

Someday.

Jumping from one boat to another

My current going-ons in life is much like jumping from one sailing boat to another.

One major boat has decided to let me go swimming on my own in the vast ocean of making a living, and that has left me climbing to any boats that cross my path.

Sometimes, the boat that I climbed onto is unstable, so I have to wait for another suitable boat.

I left one of those "unsuitable" boats yesterday. Told the boss captain I could not possibly work sail with him any more, since his boat rocked so hard it gave me unnecessary stress.

But, of course before I jumped out of the old boat, I make sure I have a new boat to sail in.

This new boat is much closer to that big giant original boat I was in, but I feel quite nervous.

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Ah, talking about making  a living in the most metaphorical way is tiring! Bye!

Candidature Defense

Alhamdulillah...I passed.

Best of all, the promise that Allah has made to his vicegerents, that He would help those who make an effort, was truly glorified on that day. I was given the most helpful people as my examiners. They commented on things I overlooked, gave me some wonderful ideas on how to make my dissertation better for the people in the fields of Corpus Linguistics and Conceptual Metaphor Theory, and mostly, I did not have to go through the bad experience as some people had during candidature defense.

Right now I am working on my dissertation, amending everything that needs amendment. Once Dr S is satisfied with my writing, then only would I be able to submit.

And then wait.

And do correction (maybe not? InsyaAllah).

And then wait.

And then...

To You

Today my friend received her PhD scroll. Words cannot describe how proud I am, to see someone who went through Hell and came back to retrieve her prize. Yesterday she called me and told me she was really hoping to hug someone, other than her family at the graduation ceremony. I think what she meant is that to have someone who knows her struggles be present at her graduation ceremony will only make the fact that she's graduating feel more real. As of now, I am in KL, due to meet my supervisor this afternoon. Oh how I wish I can be there to celebrate with her!

Postgraduate study is never an easy feat, even for geniuses. You need determination, relentless effort to just get seated and write, to not to vomit when reading journal articles, let go of your shyness and keep approaching the supervisor, and losing sleep. Beauty routine? What's that?

So to my friend, here is a poem for her:

Dear friend,
Be happy, be merry,
The day has come,
Be grateful, be cheerful,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Stand up straight,
Keep your head up,
Let go of the weight,
That you have been building up.

Dear friend,
Take your first step,
Remember when you decided,
That you are going to change your life,
Open your eyes,
Believe it, you have arrived.

Dear friend,
Now the lines are moving up,
You are closer,
Step by step,
Approach your future,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Accept your scroll,
Forgive those who hurt you,
But don't forget,
For forgetting your pain,
Will only make people repeat their mistake.

Dear friend,
Now go hug your family,
Tell them how you feel,
Make them feel special,
For there's nothing more special,
Than telling people,
Who have been there through your ups and downs,
How much they meant to you.

Dear friend,
I pray you have an abundant of success,
Joyful adventurous career,
But don't forget me dear friend,
As I am struggling too,
Wish me luck, wish me luck,
And my turn will come too!