I think we all are greedy. Either we would admit it or not, it doesn't matter. At one point in life there will be a moment when you would feel that you lose a part of your self in return for fulfilling the empty spot in someone else's life. Truth is, it always happens like that.
We are human beings, of whose brain is made up of fragments of memory and life experiences. Every little bit of the memory is tangled in the web of other people's fragments of memory. It's interconnected in a way that we couldn't imagine. To say that we are not greedy, is to deny the fact that in each of the memory and experience, somehow, every decision we made then, is not for the sole purpose of fulfilling that empty spot we want to fill with what our heart desires. We fill our memory and experience with the people that we want.
For the past nine months I have learnt what it's like to be with someone you can't have. To worry about his life which has been through so many difficulties, that to go back and do the right thing would bring everything down. To the point of no return, I see no future with this person, if we keep being greedy that is.
I am greedy, I can testify to that. I wanted this person to be with me all of my (and his) life. I wanted him to continue to support me, to always be there whenever I need him. I wanted him to focus his life on making me feel better. I also wanted him to give up the part of him where should he do it, he would lose his social circle. I wanted him to fill this empty spot in my life, without realising that it wouldn't be any better for us, if he were to lose his life for me. Along these lines, I also lost myself. I lost that part in me where I should always be independent, and that what my heart wants is not always what is good for my life. I lost me, while focusing too much on him in order to form a "we".
I'm at a better place now. I might not be able to erase all the memories, but I feel that I can get through this. I used to hide, used to stop myself from seeing or contacting him, but it was so terrible I lost time thinking about all the "what ifs" and "what could have beens".
I have learnt that in order to love myself, I should give myself a break. I should never be afraid to work hard for what I deserve. It makes no sense to give all of me to a person, and that person should give all of him to me in order to be in a relationship. What happened was that we forgot who we were, and we were both disappointed at the end. Disappointment leads to anger, and while we were angry at each other, we said all the words we should have never said to someone we truly care about.
I do believe he cares about me. He makes me feel better when I am going through rough days. It (still) is a very reciprocal relationship, one where we would do things for each other, which we have never done or would never do for anyone else.
However, I also believe that I deserve better. Well, not better, but more like, I deserve someone who makes me feel like I am half of a relationship, not a small part. It was good while it lasts, but it was not enough.
I have loved this person with all my heart. I still love him, but if letting him go means healing myself, then that is what I will do. If, by holding on to this feeling could only make me be hopeful for something that would never happen, then I am going to let go.
I have learnt that letting go bit by bit has made me a stronger person. I do not have to run away from my problem. I face it, and try to change my habit to make the transition less hurtful. Whenever I feel like I am crossing the border between "I want you to be happy for me" and "I want you to be happy with me", I stop myself and ask, "is this where you want this to go?". If not, stop it.
One day, I will look back and tell myself, "you got through it. you did it".
"I sayang you,
But loving you,
Decapitated my heart"
7 Sept 2016
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