Saturday, November 23, 2013

Candidature Defense

Alhamdulillah...I passed.

Best of all, the promise that Allah has made to his vicegerents, that He would help those who make an effort, was truly glorified on that day. I was given the most helpful people as my examiners. They commented on things I overlooked, gave me some wonderful ideas on how to make my dissertation better for the people in the fields of Corpus Linguistics and Conceptual Metaphor Theory, and mostly, I did not have to go through the bad experience as some people had during candidature defense.

Right now I am working on my dissertation, amending everything that needs amendment. Once Dr S is satisfied with my writing, then only would I be able to submit.

And then wait.

And do correction (maybe not? InsyaAllah).

And then wait.

And then...











Saturday, October 19, 2013

To You

Today my friend received her PhD scroll. Words cannot describe how proud I am, to see someone who went through Hell and came back to retrieve her prize. Yesterday she called me and told me she was really hoping to hug someone, other than her family at the graduation ceremony. I think what she meant is that to have someone who knows her struggles be present at her graduation ceremony will only make the fact that she's graduating feel more real. As of now, I am in KL, due to meet my supervisor this afternoon. Oh how I wish I can be there to celebrate with her!


Postgraduate study is never an easy feat, even for geniuses. You need determination, relentless effort to just get seated and write, to not to vomit when reading journal articles, let go of your shyness and keep approaching the supervisor, and losing sleep. Beauty routine? What's that?

So to my friend, here is a poem for her:

Dear friend,
Be happy, be merry,
The day has come,
Be grateful, be cheerful,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Stand up straight,
Keep your head up,
Let go of the weight,
That you have been building up.

Dear friend,
Take your first step,
Remember when you decided,
That you are going to change your life,
Open your eyes,
Believe it, you have arrived.

Dear friend,
Now the lines are moving up,
You are closer,
Step by step,
Approach your future,
It's your turn now,
It's your turn now.

Dear friend,
Accept your scroll,
Forgive those who hurt you,
But don't forget,
For forgetting your pain,
Will only make people repeat their mistake.

Dear friend,
Now go hug your family,
Tell them how you feel,
Make them feel special,
For there's nothing more special,
Than telling people,
Who have been there through your ups and downs,
How much they meant to you.

Dear friend,
I pray you have an abundant of success,
Joyful adventurous career,
But don't forget me dear friend,
As I am struggling too,
Wish me luck, wish me luck,
And my turn will come too!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Change

So the other day I was in the shower, and you know, when you take long showers, you tend to think of the past, present and future, and once you're done, you kind of forget about it?

Well I didn't forget this one. Long long time ago when I was 13 and accepted in a prestigious "ahem" Islamic school in Terengganu, I had few friends whom I have known way back in primary school. There was this guy who scowled at me because I told him I was too lazy to think. What was it that I was too lazy to think about? I can no longer recall.

I was thinking to myself, because of how I responded to him at that time, if he was to meet me today, would he have the similar perception about me? That I am a person who is too lazy to think?

Lately, I keep thinking about it, because it seems that people who knows me way back tend to think that I am still the immature self they used to know once. It bothers me a lot because some of those people are those whom I respect a lot.

Then it makes me wonder, am I doing the same thing to other people? That I meet them after a long time and still think that they were as good/bad as I remember them to be?

I tell myself this then: treat other people as how you would want them to treat you. IF they mistreat you once,  maybe there's a chance. Sometimes people have their own problems and the problem influence how they behave. However, if it happens more than twice (I'm quite forgiving, mind you. Even though I don't forget. Ever.) then maybe you should leave them alone and let it go. Maybe.


Current muse:





Friday, October 4, 2013

Talking to my supervisor



"The action of removing someone's doubts or fears."

I told my supervisor this morning that I really appreciate that she gives me a lot of reassurances today. I was worried that I would not be able to get things done by December, but she reassures me, that she didn't see any reason why I am not ready to go through candidature defense.

I've been in a fragile situation the last few months. However, in the midst of frowning upon my "bad luck", I forgot that what I am going through is actually a test from Allah. I am being tested for my faith in Him, and I have failed miserably.

I have failed to see that all these "difficulties" in life would be rewarded, whether in this world or hereafter. That someday I will be looking back and feeling glad that I made it out alive, but I do wish I could change the ways I handle my problems.

Perhaps it is not too late to adapt a better approach in life. I know what I have to do, but there's something that keeps telling me to not to turn to Allah. All thanks to you lah shaitonirrojimmm.

I keep telling my close friends in the office to keep being positive no matter what happens to the faculty, but truthfully I'm the one who has to be more positive.

Whatever it is, I'm one step closer to what I have been working on for the past 3 years. I'll keep pushing. Even if it gets harder by time, I will not give up.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Long overdue post

If I were to sit down and write a blog post, it would probably take forever because all I do while sitting nowadays are either eating or managing my teaching works. So today I'm gonna tell you what happened since the last I wrote in here.

First of all, happy 30th birthday to me. It has been a crazy/wonderful thirty years, and hopefully another thirty (or sixty!) years to come would be as wonderful, or even more than that! I do hope I would spend the next 30-40 years with my other half, whom I haven't met yet.

Second, I am appointed on a part time basis until I receive a senate letter from UM regarding my study. It sucks.

Third, well, thats pretty much what happened for the past two weeks.

Wish me luck for my study and career!

posted from Bloggeroid

Testing

Posting from my phone. Just an effort to keep this blog going.

Although, I'm not really sire having to squint my eyes to type is my thing.

posted from Bloggeroid

Test 2

Test

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Stars





I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place.
I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly

And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.
And I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
Stars
Stars, they make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Sick

I feel sick.

I binge eat.

Some days I eat a lot, other days I eat little and don't feel a thing.

I feel tired all the time.

I sleep for hours and wake up more tired.


Friday, June 14, 2013

Count Your Blessings Friday

Oh...I almost missed this! Anyways, this week I am thankful for:


Photo from here
  • Cranberry Cheese from The Loaf that Dr Jawakhir gave me this afternoon. So freaking delish! I'm definitely going to The Loaf some time this week.
  • For the response from Dr S about my chapter 4 in which she said it's good albeit needing some clarifications. Really keep me up and running with the rest of the dissertation.
  • For smooth albeit adventurous journeys. Today I got off at the wrong stop after 40mins bus ride from Putrajaya. I feel lost, but I buck up and continue walking, saw something that looks like railway station and keep going until I reach a full station ahead of where I was supposed to stop. Luckily I got to the campus safely.
I want to write more, but I can't remember. Maybe I'll update this later.

Speak

Speak is the title of the movie I watched few hours ago while having dinner. It tells the story of Melinda who after being raped (she was 13) she stopped talking altogether. It is a powerful movie. There is no crying or screaming in the aftermath of being raped, but the way the feeling of a person being presented in her drawing of trees is surprising and yet really deep.

Melinda had to draw trees for her art class, and at first the trees are just a normal tree. Somehow, the more she wants to shout to the world that she was raped, and thats the reason why she acts abnormally, the more dark and mysterious her drawing of trees became.


In the end when the truth came out, one thing puzzles me. When Melinda was picked up by her mom from school after she got out alive while she was threatened and beaten by the boy who raped her, her mom said "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it". When in fact, it is not OK.

It's not OK going through something as terrible as rape and being told that it is OK not wanting to talk about it. Especially, when it happened to your own daughter, why would you not want to talk about it? If it were me I'd want to know every detail so I can send that boy who raped my daughter straight to hell. Who wouldn't?

I really enjoy this movie, and one of the major reasons is that it featured Kristen Stewart when she was a really good actress. I haven't watch anything of her beyond Twilight, but this work deserves some awards.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Gift giving, wishes and many more to do and having less and less time to do them all!

I have been so inspired by this blog, that I have decided to review how I live my daily live, and how with so many changes that time brought about, going back to where I had enjoyed life more than now is going to be a strenuous journey.

First and foremost, I need to reevaluate how I spend my time with my mom. A couple of months before she left for hajj, I bought her a pair of jogging shoes. Then I promised myself that I would spend at least once a week for a walk with her. Never happened. So first thing to do in this thing I dub as "Recovery Journey", is to spend more time with my mother, in the nature doing healthy things instead of only going shopping with her. No.1: Take a walk with my mother.

Another thing that I found I am lacking in is celebration, any kind of celebration. I am terrible not only keeping up with important dates (that's the reason why people often get random gifts from me) but I show less than satisfying enthusiasm when it comes to celebrating it. Once on my birthday I slept all day long. Bad bad vibe for the special day huh?

So this year, in July, I will celebrate my mother's birthday, by baking a cake for her (she likes that lemon yogurt cake with cream cheese frosting) and make an effort to actually capture the moments. I will try to at least print one photo of the birthday, frame it, and hang it somewhere around the house. About my own birthday, Anisa and I have plan for it on June 19th but we're not sure what to do yet. Truth is I hardly have any budget left for anything else than my daily needs. We'll see about that.

So that's the first point. Keywords: mom/jog/birthday/photo

The second point is that I would like to return to my joyful hobby: making gifts or cards on my own instead of buying them. The other day I saw some felt going for cheap at Daiso. I think I'm gonna fast for a few days and see whether I can save money to buy those felting supplies.

I have always been a card-maker. I don't remember buying one for a very long long time. But nowadays I haven't sent any cards to anyone. During exam season, I would take some time to make good-luck cards for my friends. Somehow, that hobby just…dies. I don't remember what happened, but it is kinda sad thinking about it. I will return to my gift giving and card-making state of mind and will refrain myself from buying gifts, simply because I truly believe that a gift made by my own hands would be easier to remember than spending money for things that I can make on my own.

I have several people in my mind that I will prepare the gifts for: a mobile phone case for my mom for her birthday, a red case for Dr Mazura, and several simple mobile phone cases for my nieces & and nephews's birthdays. That's a lot but if I spend an hour a day, I think I can make it. Perhaps I am digressing from my thesis writing but I think this is what I need to do for now.

So point no.2: Keywords: cards/gifts/felt supplies/threads/cases

The third point is of course, to lose weight. I fell down 11 days ago and my both knees are bruised. Now my right knees are numb with occasional lancinating pain. I would probably have to try to walk slowly, but I will figure this out once I return to Terengganu.

Keywords: lose weight/walk

The fourth point is to plan a weekly activity for Ammar, my grandnephew. I truthfully believe that if I follow others and let him have his way all the time, he would grow up to be a spoiled kid. He has a lot of plastic toys, which needs to change. I need to create opportunity for him to unleash his creativity. I bought him many books, but I am never sure if he reads them. I should buy books and keep them at my place instead, and buy some for Amirul Haikal as well (another grandnephew). Maybe I will browse the blog again and find out what kind of activity & colouring things I can use which are safe for a toddler. Kids his age need to be introduced to colouring fun, but I haven't seen him doing that as yet. He's not my kid, but he's a child who is growing in front of me, and what kind of person am I to neglect his needs to be creative, when I have read so many things about instilling creativity in a child?




Keywords: art for toddler

So there are four things to consider. I need to write this down in a card and put it in my wallet so I would remember it. 
  1. My mom - birthday and walk
  2. Gift and cards - felt supplies, mobile phone cases
  3. Weight issues
  4. Art for toddler - art supplies for toddler, books to be kept at my place. If I can't afford to buy books, I'll make them.


One day at a time, Zura. One day at  time.

Back to black

I thought this is just an album name. Turned out to be that it's a song. And a good one at that! Enjoy..


Friday, June 7, 2013

Count your blessings..with a calculator!



I have heard that phrase many times...Count Your Blessings. But what does it means? For all I know, I would be counting my blessing with the amount of ringgits I have in my bank account every end of the month, right after I paid all the bills and give money to my mom.

I suppose it should be more than that right? After all, most things that we cannot live without in our lives are free. The air that we breathe, the water (we pay the monthly bill but if we use less than RM20 it's free, remember?), even down to the land that we step on.

I read this blog, and I notice that this person lists down things that she is thankful for once a week. It would be a good mental exercise, trying to recount what happened for the past week that enable you to be where you are in the current week.

So I think I would do the same. Lately I have been feeling down because of that you-know-who and also because I am in no better financial shape compared to last year. I made a new year resolution (to myself, that is) that I would get significantly better pay this year, but it's not happening soon. Very little things can make me feeling so down, and most of the time it is money.



Today out of the blue Cik Asiah gave me "nasi bungkus" It was a meal from that awesome Indian restaurant down the road near 9th College. She bought me a wholesome meal - rice, fried tenggiri, potatos, vegetables and curry gravy. What a delicious meal. The only downturn is that I had it when it was already cold as I was fasting.

Oh, when I said today I meant June 6th. Didn't realize it is already another day.

I was actually craving for some ikan tenggiri and curry gravy with rice, and look what I got today. Perhaps I give HIM too little credit for not listening to what I want in life. Maybe I didn't realize what I got because I never wrote about them. Maybe, by writing what I receive or be thankful for everyday would remind me how much luckier I am compared to the people in Niger whose lives are so much worse than mine, and there's nothing they can do about it.

I can do something with my life. In fact, I am trying very hard to change my life. I want to learn, to get the highest degree, to earn Professorship before I retire. For now, the future looks bleak but it's not going to be like that forever. If I work hard enough I know I can make it. Heck, I felt like I graduated already when I handed the first part of my Chapter 4 on Wednesday!

When I went to get my rice from Dr Jawakhir (Cik Asiah left the rice with Dr J), I sat down and chatted with her a bit, since she will be retiring end of this month. She asked me why am I doing something very difficult for my thesis. I had to be honest: metaphor isn't my first choice. But I think I forgot to tell her how freaking in love am I with Wmatrix. I sound a bit demotivated because I am running out of time, but how I wish I know more about it!

How, I wish, that with just one look at the data, I can make better analysis and conclusion. I don't know what to say when I found out that the simplified text has more pronouns and less adjectives compared to original text. Please excuse my thesis-related ramblings but I feel so down when I can't figure out things easily. That is another point. I tend to forget when I had an epiphany about my thesis and only remember the times when I can't perform well.



So, I will write here as much blessings as I had these past few days and make every Friday a "Count your blessings" day.

  • I fell down in front of the ATM machine but I didn't bleed. Just a few bruises on my knees. I still can walk, still can pray despite having to pray on the chair. 
  • I am thankful for nasi bungkus from Cik Asiah (she's literally Dr Asiah now but she refused the title and insist people call her as Cik Asiah as usual).
  • When I fell, I had no medicine with me. I went to see Ifa and her roommate gave me gamat (sea cucumber) oil. Then I told Cik Asiah what happened and she also gave another bottle of minyak ubat.
  • I am thankful for Ifa's help by letting me stay in her room while waiting for the laundry to be done, for giving me some detergent, and for telling me how to get around in college (where's the bathroom, the washing machine, where to hang the clothes)
  • I am thankful for Ifa's roommate who doesn't seem to mind I am there many times.
  • I am thankful for after the nasi bungkus, I got some papaya from Cik Asiah. 
  • I am thankful for the place where I am writing nowadays is air-conditioned and no one bothers me and that I have access to it 24 hours a day.
  • I am thankful for the wifi is free, and there is a fridge and I can keep my food in there.
  • I am thankful for the taxi driver last Wednesday was not a fussy one and sent me to the campus without much questions, even after seeing me carrying so many mineral water.
  • I am thankful that my credit card still works even if I am wayyy past the limit. Have to stop spending with it though. At least til I pay the next bill.
  • I am thankful for the RM10 Jusco voucher I cashed in. Still thinking what to buy with it.
  • I am thankful that my 3rd Rejab fasting day was not as tiring and that I could still walk around Midvalley without collapsing after a day of fasting.
  • I am thankful for that CD with Quran MP3 I received as wedding goodies.
  • I am thankful for the delicious food at UM Food Court which sells food at normal price but with large servings.
  • I am thankful for not having fever for a long long time once I dumped that particular brand of facial care. No more sore tonsil. This also means I can do more when I am healthy.
  • I am thankful for having another Popeye's voucher in my purse, along with a voucher for two free movie tickets from GSC which I have no idea when I can use (can't wait!).
  • I am thankful for the umbrella in the office which I borrowed this afternoon, and without it I might end up wet on my way back.
  • I am thankful for the PC with 24 hours internet even when the wifi went kaput yesterday.
I'd better stop now. Have to prepare sahur. Probably bread with butter. Can't wait for next Friday.

What are you thankful for? Have you thanked the person for giving it to you?

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Girl in Progress

In the previous post, I mentioned that I am on a full "downloading things from youtube" mode. Well, one of them is this movie, "Girl in Progress". It is about a girl named Ansiedad, who, in her chaotic flurry moment of being a teenager, decided that she would stage her own "coming to the age" experience herself. And how did she plan to do that? She planned to do all the things rendered as "adult-ish" so that she would get a closure and leap into adulthood. 

Ansiedad and her mom
According to the movie, in America, it seems that these are the things you do to be considered as an adult:
  1. Be a nice girl, wear pink coloured clothes so people would regard you as a nice, goody-two-shoes kind of girl.
  2. And then, change in the blink of an eye. Steal your mom's money, buy new clothes, hook up with the worst jackass womaniser, get into the popular girl's group. 
  3. Go to wild parties, lose your virginity with that jackass womaniser, dump your best friend, and lastly, leave town. 
Penny and Howard's first time meeting


Now where have I heard the story? Oh right. Everywhere. In TBBT, Penny left her hometown so she can "grow" in a new place. (Don't get me wrong, I love Penny. It's just an example)

In that Britney Spear's movie, she left her town as well (wait, doesn't that sound like her life story?)



Britney in Crossroads
In Hick, a 13-year old got into an adventure of a lifetime by picking up some clothes and a gun she received for her birthday and left. What follows was probably the scariest a girl could go through.

If only life is that simple. I believe that things will not be fine, issues will not be resolved if everyone just simply pick up their stuffs and leave. That is not how you grow into adulthood.

Problems come and go, if everyone just leave then how are we going to solve it? Surely, just because a person has not left town and live somewhere else, then the person cannot grow?

I believe that in some point of our lives, we need to move out and go live in a foreign place. It is good for the soul. Some people choose to come back, some people choose not to. But leaving because the previous place is troublesome is not right.

Hick
I have lived in Perak and KL. I spent 4 years doing first degree in Perak and another 2 years (almost 2 yrs and a half actually) in KL. What an experience. Living on your own, no close family (my brother's in Putrajaya but when I lived in my rented apartment I was never there), finding ways to get to one place to another, got lost, went out at the wrong train station and had to find a cab to get to uni, 2 hours bus ride, being stalked, followed by a stranger…oh tell me about it. I've been through it all.

Even back in secondary school, I spent two out of five years in hostel. And then I lived in KUSZA for 3 years during diploma. Well, to sum it up, I have lived more than 11 years of my life away from home. It is refreshing, to try to get out of your comfort zone. If everything is bright and shiny I feel that life itself would turn dull.

You gotta have some rain if you want the rainbow eh?

And now, I am living in a very different environment. I have to keep it a secret until I am in the safe. You'll have to wait til July to hear the story.

Where was I? Oh yes, the movie. In the end, when things took a terrible turn and the girl's life went upside down, that's when she had an epiphany. She finally accepts the fact that not all life's experience can be staged. Some should be experienced naturally. Like growing up. No one know exactly when a person can say "I'm all grown up now". No, it does not happen like that. It would creep slowly into our lives and when we finally realised it, it is as if you have walked down a long road and suddenly you stop for a second and take a look around, and realised how far you've gone.

That's how it should be done. That's how people….progress.



Monday, June 3, 2013

Sugar sugar

When I was in secondary school, I remember watching a video. It was The Archie's Sugar Sugar, but there was a footage of a movie in it. I've always thought of it, since I like the song. But the original video clip that often came out was not the one with the movie in it.



Fast forward to 2013, I was searching for Ezra Miller's movies, and found out that there are tonnes of full movies in Youtube. I know I know. What a noob. Hey, I don't intentionally sit in front of the computer to find movies all day long like I used to back in the days ok?

So, I found this movie with Christina Ricci in it. I knew her from her Casper days. Anyways, downloaded it, and watched it just now. It turned out to be that the movie I saw in the video clip is actually Now and Then (1995).

It is a great watch. It's about four girls and it marked the summer in 1970 where they made a pact to always be there for each other no matter what, due to some circumstances and chalenges they faced that summer.

It's a really good movie. They had a tree house which they bought with their own money. I noticed a lot of scenes which, were it to be a movie in 2013, would've make no sense at all and would probably change this movie into a thriller (especially that part where they met a soldier. They could've been raped, for all we know).

Watching this movie made me remember what a wonderful childhood I had. Sure, with all those "turbulences" in my family, not everything is a walk in the beach. But I had some really good times with friends and family. 

I was left to care for myself from 7 am in the morning til 7pm at night since I was 8 years old until I got into secondary school and stayed at the hostel. My mom had a little taylor shop in town so she left me to my sisters or cousins. I lived with them during the day, and lived with my mother at night.

It wasn't much different from everyone else's life, or so I thought. Of course, I didn't know what it was like to have both parents together in one house. Somehow growing up I learnt along the way that what I had was not the norm, but I guess it made me who I am today.

They say a good movie left you feeling warm hearted and such. Well I think this is one of those movies.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Look

 Look,

If you stalk my blog,

And then you found something you don't like,

Is it my fault then?

I didn't say it to your face, so I wrote it all here.

What's wrong with that?



And you, never apologize, not even once when you screwed up things. 

Oh, if I state everything here, it's as if membuka pekung on your chest.

Trust me, there's more than one pekungs.




I had to go through many difficulties because you failed to keep up with your words.

So I wrote them all here. 

You can't buy me with money.

You can buy your friends but not me.


I regret defending you when people talk bad about you.

I really do.

I will remember this until I die, they day someone with more money (it's not your money) than me made me feel so low.






Friday, May 10, 2013

Post blog stalking

After reading my previous post, somehow I feel like I am this weird person who likes to read other people's life story.

I'm not weird. Nope. Didn't think so.

Denial.


Blog Stalking

Sometimes, when I read a blog that I found linked on other people's blog, I find it fascinating reading about other people's life.I would probably never going to meet the writer, but somehow I feel like I am celebrating his/her good news and equally feeling sad for tragedies or bad news.

I would not ever make any effort to contact the blogger. It is like a camaraderie which is hidden behind the web of online life. I think I have read hundreds of blogs from the links I found on my friends' blogs. I would not try to meet them online, it's just, well, a blog can sometimes play the role of a novel. When you really like a book, would you contact the writer? I don't think so (unless the writer has a Twitter account which you have a 50-50 chance of him replying to your tweet).

I can remember so many blog address, and yet ironically, I could probably only name a few of those blogger's writer. Perhaps the blog address has some sort of a ring to it. Or it could be it is just plain funny, like this one. (ignore if you are none extreme sarcasm resistant)

When we write things and post it online, I think it will no longer be a rule for it to be read only by people who knows us. That will not happen in the world wide web.






Thursday, April 18, 2013

and I am so frigging sorry I don't frigging understand how to do this!

warghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I wasn't firm with my dissertation.
I'm sorry I spent more time sleeping than reading.
I'm sorry I eat more than I write.
I'm sorry I stayed at a place so freaking close with the uni and yet I only walked to and fro less than 50 times in those 17 months I was there.
I'm sorry I didn't wake up early and jog in that area with so many large guarded houses. I passed by that area twice last fortnight and I regretted not doing so earlier because I finally saw my dream house when I did.
I'm sorry I used up a lot of electricities and yet I couldn't even finish my dissertation on time.
I'm sorry I used a lot of fuel for the ride from home to office for 2 months and those 3 chapters I wrote need to be re-written.
I'm sorry I am not smart enough to think of the things I am thinking right now.
I'm sorry I have become a nocturnal person and could not, for the life of me, fall asleep until 6 am in the morning.
I'm sorry I have to live far away from home just to make sure I could write.
I'm sorry I have put on about 15kg since I was in UPSI until now.
I'm sorry I have ruined my own reputation because I applied for second extension.
I'm sorry I speak my mind. If I don't, I can't rest well.
I'm sorry I spent a lot of money convincing myself that with a good laptop I would be able to write. True up to a point.
I'm sorry I wasted a lot of time waiting for buses when I could have used that time to read.
I'm sorry I could not hide my feelings, that my anger always shows itself in my tone of voice and my face.
I'm sorry I do not have three ears to listen to some incessant whines.
I'm sorry I did not spend enough time to locate my friends when I moved to KL.
I'm sorry I always cook at wee hours. I'm hungry what can I do. My breakfast's at 12, lunch at 6 and dinner at 12am.
I'm sorry I don't smile that often. It's not that I don't feel happy, but I just don't want to.
I'm sorry if you can't accept the fact that sometimes I drive people like you crazy because you started it.
I'm sorry I fell in love with him and then now that I have fell out of love, it's not that bad anymore.
I'm sorry I can't read minds. If you have something to say to me, say it (in a letter). Not to my face because like I said, I have a really unpleasant bad mood face.
I'm sorry I bake like crazy. Then I eat what I bake.
I'm sorry I am not interested in getting into business and making millions.
I'm sorry I am just a government servant. But I am not sorry that being a government servant makes me so low in your eyes.
I'm sorry I have RM50 in my wallet and yes, I could make it until Sunday.
I'm sorry if my choice of dress not only hurts your eyes but then your choice of hijabs also hurts my eyes.
I'm sorry that perhaps by carrying a handbag that costs RM20, I might be unfit to walk with you but then what else is there to carry to your (and my) grave except for a piece of white cloth?

Mum, I'm sorry I kept delaying certain things. I'm sorry I could not provide you enough. I'm sorry I was I et a lot, and changed my food preference and decided to pick a fight with you everytime you serve me food that I don't like (sayur campur. hate em!) I'm sorry I could not be that typical daughter everyone has.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Chapter Schmapter

I admit it, I'm a little bit of a drama queen. But I only have dramas in my mind. I don't like face to face confrontation, and hate it when people talked to me in a harsh voice.

The last few weeks have been difficult. But I like today. No, I have no money in my savings account because the university decided to hold my pay while I work like crazy trying to finish dissertation so I can come back to work for them. 

Today a colleague dropped by my office (not really mine, I crashed in at a colleague/cousin's office just to make sure I would write everyday. She's not using it for now, so I guess it's a pretty good deal) and commented that I seem to work very hard. Hell yes of course I have to. Why, was I a lame worker the previous couple of years when I work full time before taking a study leave?

Wait, didn't I say like today? Oh right. I do. I just finished chapter 2. I went from 2000 words about a week ago to 9000 words last night (more like this morning at 2.30am). Not bad for a staff on study leave who asked for a second extension. 

I like today, yes, but I would always remember the unnecessary predicaments the people up there put me through. That was nasty, cutting off people's pay just because your staffs are incompetent bunch of people who spent half of 8 hours working and spend the rest with watching yootoob and hence, could not process my application on time. 

I'm sure I would look back and think of myself as a feisty character when I read this post again in maybe 5, 10 years. But I would probably won't regret a thing. I don't regret, I just keep going and even though my own mother thinks I'm a crazy character now that I am trying to adapt to the frugal lifestyle, it doesn't matter. She's my mother, I will take care of her. But no one can control my thoughts on finance and how I handle my life.

To be honest, my mother never taught me anything about frugality. She worked really hard, probably made more money than an average man in my hometown but still, at the age of 65, she has no savings whatsoever, and has to depend on me. That is one overgeneralization in Malay society that I hate. Sure, everyone lives that way, but it doesn't have to be that way. I don't regret anything on having to take care of her, but I do regret not having someone in my life who would teach me about frugality. About not spending hundreds of ringgit on a simple pair of baju kurung.

In my mother's world, there is always rezeki everywhere. And there are always things to buy. When I told her to keep her BR1M money and try to spend less than rm100 a week on groceries and food, she looked at me like I'm insane and said "but I want to look into the kitchen and see what we don't have". The answer is, mother, EVERYTHING! I curtly told her, look, if you go into the kitchen and evaluate on things that you don't have, you'd forever be spending all your money as soon as you have it! I said, "look around, find things that you haven't used, and use them!". 

No, she doesn't understand that concept.

I can't control my past, but I can control my future. I had a bad financial state, (it still is bad, considering I have about rm80 to live until end of March), but I suppose things do change slowly. I record my spending everyday, I have No Spend Days at least 3 days a week. I'm in the process of surrendering my life policy because when I went through the policy document, I found out that I am actually making a promise to die before the age of 70 or I won't be receiving any money that I deposited into their insurance company for 40 years. Crazy? Maybe. No-brainer? Totally.

My sister said I should keep my money in Tabung Haji. Make a commitment, keep the money in the bank where the zakat would be automatically deducted. So yes, the money that I had spent monthly for insurance will go to my TH account after this. Maybe I'll add another 100. 

A lot of people (the Malays around me, anyways) have this stupid stupid stupid stupid (see how I hate that kind of belief) point of view fossilized since their poor ancestors up to the ones in present days that we should live in a structured, age-dependent life. For example, at 22-25, we should get a good job, drive a car, get married. 26, get a kid. 27, get another kid. Then at 30 it just stops moving because of the mundane life they go through - take care of kids and husband/wife. And that's it.

Today (well, actually, for the rest of my life), I stand up against that kind of life. Thanks, but I think I can handle my own life. I have no car, but I get to work anyway. What? I don't have a driving license yet? Oh, maybe it's none of your fucking business. Wait, I'm 30 and not married? And fat? Oh my, you're going to die alone. Why, are you the one who has to dig my grave? Didn't think so.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The End

I'll be away

I don't think I can take  this anymore.

I'll just be away.


NO IT'S NOT YOU STUPID DEMOTIVATOR THING CALLED MONEY.

Things will get better if I hold on.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I made soup!

I made carrot soup today!

It's not my first time cooking soup (hell no), but it is my first attempt trying my hands at making soups that freeze well. When I go to write in campus nowadays, I don't even bother to leave the building until 6 pm, so it's good to have warm food in the office. Tomorrow I'm dropping by Ziq Bakery to pick up some garlic bread or french baguette.


It's my first in many more to come, and I'm glad I did. Here is the recipe:

1 tbsp oil
One yellow onion, diced
One celery stalk, diced
400ml water
4 large carrots, diced
One tomato, diced
1 tsp Pasti Sedap
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp crushed black pepper

1. Heat the pan, saute the onion and celery.
2. Add the water, carrot, tomato, pasti sedap, salt and pepper.
3. Cook for 20 minutes. Turn of the heat. Cool for 15 mins.
4. Blitz in blender for a while, about 1-2 minutes. Makes 4-5 portions.

Next time I make soup I'll include the budget as well. I didn't buy the ingredients and my mom hardly keep the receipts so next time I'll make sure I have the calculation.

Sometimes a warm cup of soup is all I need to keep up with the writing. I honestly didn't know it would take this long to write the dissertation. Why in the world would they need 40,000 words? That's 160 pages!!
Throw a slice of cheddar on the hot soup. Would probably not do it again.


Once I'm done with my Masters, I would work for a year or two, and then pick up my bag and leave.

I can't wait.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Lonely

Isn't this world a lonely one?
When you have no wealth

No inheritance from a rich father
No trusted brother to keep you from harm

No partner, no children
No car, no house
No proportionate figure
No person to confide
And not one person whom you can trust

Isn't this world an unbearable one?
When you have debts
House debts, study debts
Credit card debts

I took the wrong step
I give in to other people's wishes
And my mistakenly lead instinct
But that would be the last wrong step
I would ever take.




p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Poem #10

That's it. I'm running out of poems. So have to be back writing normal things after this. This is my 10th and my last from the old poem folder in my laptop.

There's a title for this poem but it seems unsuitable. So I'll leave it title-less for now.


finding love
it isn't easy
but when fate calls my name,
I'm going to give it a go

why did I let myself
to fall in love with you?
why didn't I stop
before I hurt myself

I've been living a lonely life
if I tell you it has been an easy ride
then I'll be lying

tell me you'll stay
tell me you'll be mine

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Poem #9

I wrote this poem for my close friend, Anie. We met when we were in secondary school but we got close only when we were in Form 4 (16 years old). Anie was sort of my private counselor at that time, and a lot of people wondered what was it that kept me smiling all the time, when Anie was the only one who knows that I am that kind of girl who kept everything bottled up.

Nowadays we don't talk that much anymore. The last time I met Anie was during my birthday party last year. She had a sleepover at my place. I really miss her, but things are bound to change when we grow up. I have always wished for certain things to remain the same, but that was only a wishful thinking.

I gave her this poem during one of her birthdays, probably when I was in UPSI.

--Best of friends--


called up at 3am
and there you were 
there you were
listened to all of my craps
and here we go
here we go 
again

sat beside me everytime
I'm troubled, troubled
all I have to do is sit
and say nothing, owh nothing at all
magically my problems disappear
to a certain place
well, you don't wanna be there

cause you are
the best of friends
and we are
living at the edge
of broken hearts
and I wanna
thank you for ur time
and your piece of mind
wish you well
the best of friends
best of friends

It sounds a lot like song lyrics, eh? Maybe I should compose a melody for it.


p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Poem #7 and #8

Here's a short poem for today:


life is all but a dream
truth is nothing but life
in all of the obstacles in a stream
there's one that leads you to be alive

peace is all but myth
lie is nothing but creation
for all the truth that lies beneath
there's one lie that hides perfection

No title. Must be an unfinished poem.

And here's a Malay poem. I don't normally write in Malay but I suppose there must be a reason why I wrote it at that time. This poem was pinned on my inspiration board when I was in UPSI.


manifestasi hati

hujan
kau limpahkan 
segala rembesan
biar hilang keresahan
biar datang ketenangan

angin
kau tiupkan bayu dingin
agar tumbang pokok beringin
biar hilang rasa teringin

ombak
jangan kau rombak
pasir yang indah itu
biar kekal begitu
agar aku tidak berubah
biar sampai hilang arah


p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.



Sunday, February 3, 2013

Poem #6


|IDLE|LAME|FUNKY|ONE|

I could have been at home
Sitting cozily on my couch
But I’m here with you
I could have flown to Japan
And watch Michael Jackson live
In concert, but I’m watching lame
‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ with you
I could have been out to dinner
With John the macho guy, but
I’m here trying myself to cook
Dinner for you…
I could have been sleeping
Now in my big bunk bed
But I’m now sitting on the
Couch with you, just to
Talk about ‘he-made-everything-up
-Drew-Carey’… lastly, I could have
Wrote great novel and sold nine million
But here I am, writing a lazy poem
For you, just for you
Because I love only you…

p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Poem #5


Being Me ^_^

Being me,
Is the best thing,
That happened to me,
In my life.

Being me
Means being no one else,
but me.

Being me,
Is not always fun,
But can it be fun,
By being someone else?

No!
‘Cos being me,
Is the best!



p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Poem #4

Forgive me for the multiple posts today but I have a feeling I'm going to be crazy busy from 1st Feb to 15th as I promised Dr S to submit 3 chapters by mid Feb. Here's the sonnet I wrote for Literature course. We had to write a Shakespearean sonnet and do an analysis. I put the analysis as well. 



Our lecturer was Mr Lajiman Janoory. Although he is not that chatty, he's very inquisitive, as every time we did presentation, he would listen attentively. I suppose we could expect that from a lecturer specializing in literary analysis. The last I heard about him was that he went abroad to do his PhD. Good for him. Any student would appreciate a lecturer who listens to his students.

A QUEST FOR YOU

I hate it when you walk passed me and ignore me,
I hate it when you never stop by even for a day,
I despise you because I’ve heard so much of this glee;
Those endless dreams of being spontaneously swept away,
By an angel whose wings will carry me to an unknown paradise?
Then I sigh and sigh and sigh till I tire to sigh any more,
Cautiously I try to live my lonely life in wise,
And thus avoid from being hurt and feeling sore,
But then one day you creep in on the sly;
Exactly when I have giving up in my quest for you;
I gaze in awe; I want to fly and fly and fly,
And ask myself a thousand of times if this is true,
With full of hopes and no time to waste,
I hold his hand, I thank you, and therefore I shall rest my case.

::azureus::

Sonnet analysis

This sonnet is written by someone who is in search of something vital in the life of a human, i.e.: ‘you’. The subject matter is about finding something divine and indescribable such as love, which here represented by the word ‘you’. The speaker would most probably be a woman because at the end of the sonnet, it is mentioned that the writer found what she was looking for and then held the hand of a male, i.e.: ‘I hold his hand…’. At the beginning of the sonnet, the poet describes her despair over her disability of capturing this element, love, i.e.: ‘I hate it when you never stop by even for a day’. She holds a hatred feeling towards love because she never experiences it, despite hearing about it all the time. She describes love as something that will take her away from all the misery, i.e.: ‘By an angel whose wings will carry me to an unknown paradise’. She gave up in her search but suddenly love came and gave her all that she wants i.e.: ‘Exactly when I have giving up in my quest for you’. At last, she did find love, and her quest is finally over when love came to her, ending all her loathing for love.  

This sonnet is written using the Shakespearean sonnet scheme, consisting of fourteen lines, with the rhyming scheme of ABABCDCDEFEFGG. The underlying theme of the sonnet is about a quest. This sonnet denotes a gloomy tone, where most of the words are about the despair of the writer in her quest for love, e.g.: ‘Then I sigh and sigh and sigh till I tire to sigh any more’. However, there is an interjection at near end of the sonnet which signifies hopefulness, i.e.: ‘But then one day you creep in on the sly’. The use of strong words such as ‘hate’ and ‘despise’ succeeded in making this sonnet sounds gloomy and depressing. Also, the repetition of words ‘sigh’, i.e.: ‘Then I sigh and sigh and sigh…’ adds a little effect to the hopefulness that the writer is trying to express. The language used in this sonnet is mostly moderate words that are usually used in everyday conversation. Some words such as ‘creep’ and ‘gaze’ give imagery to this sonnet, making the reader sense the intensity of the sonnet. The word ‘creep’, for instance, can make the imagination of a reader runs wild on how something appears slowly and unobvious.

From the beginning, there is a personification of the concept of ‘love’ as something that can move like a human such as the use of action verbs, e.g.: walk, ignore, stop and creep. These words personify love as something that moves like human do. The movements of love into the writer’s life is pictured as creeping cunningly, and appears when it is least expected. There is also the use of hyperbole by the exaggeration of the statement ‘By an angel whose wings will carry me to an unknown paradise’. The use of ‘angel’ here is considered as an overstatement because it compares the power of human to that of angel. The most important single word in this sonnet is the pronoun ‘you’, because this sonnet centres wholly on the search of ‘you’, the despair of writer towards it, and how the writer finally finds ‘you’.  

In all, this sonnet exploits human sense by providing another way to see the unseen things such as concepts, i.e.: love, in the same way as viewing the movements of living things. Also, the writer tries to make the reader feels that there’s always a silver lining at the end of cloud, because in this sonnet, the writer herself found what she’s been looking for, at the least expected time. There’s also another message that the writer tries to express in the sonnet that we should not giving up in whatever we do in our life, and that we should always keep reaching for our dreams.  


p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.

p/ss: I could not believe that I already delved into conceptual metaphor when I wrote the analysis. I guess it's meant to be then.


Poem #3

I think I rambled about love a lot back then. Here's one of them:


In my dreams I see you beside me
Holding my hands like you’ll
Never let them go
In my eyes you’re the only one
That’s been my sight
For such a long time
That I’ve forgotten
What would life be without you?


p/s: if you steal my poem, I might not know but my God does. And if you're agnostic, my God would still know.