The Questions Of Heart

the questions of heart

has always comes to this...

if i tell him i love him

would he tell me the same thing?

if i get down to my feelings

exploring it deep within

would it be worth it?

if i have the guts to tell him that...

i care more than i could

i know more than i would

i feel more than i should

i mean...

is this wrong?

the fear of rejection

is the biggest fear of all

other than the fear
of being MYSELF.

because i don't know myself anymore...

it's as if i don't exist anymore...

who is this girl?
why is she so confused?
she has never felt like this before...

never in her life,

she ever want someone so much.

never in her life,

she ever care about other's opinion so much.

tell me,

should she care?

to care about someone so much,
when her own heart,

when her own life

is on the stake.

should she care?

should I care?

Chop the chicken, chop the jerk

I just came back from Dungun, visiting my eldest sister from my father’s side. She’s the first and only child of my father’s first wife. I’m the only child of my father’s last wife. We kinda had the same history of surviving so in the end when my father passed away, she’s the only sister from my father’s side that I talk to. She has a cool family. So last Tuesday I went for a visit since almost all her kid is home for the school holiday (the eldest came back last night).

It was a nice visit. My sister cooked chicken chop and it tasted amazing! I think by now I can declare that she can cook anything on earth. And then we (Ira and Angah) played around with the laptop camera (of course I can’t put any pictures here!). For the past 3 nights we had watched the Japanese series “Nodame Cantabile”. Ariff couldn’t stop imitating Strezemann. I also watched “Tada Kimi Wo Aishiteru” which means “I love only you” (Thanks Angah for the movie!). It was a sad story, really, to lose someone whom you love when you didn’t get the chance to say you love him. Actually, the chance was there spread in front of us like a vast green field but we just missed the beautiful field and we focus on the lonely tree at the end of the field instead.

On my way back from Dungun, I met someone from my past that I didn’t want to see ever. I got into the bus, searched for the seat and there he was. I should have jumped out of the bus and never looked back. Instead, I said “hi” to the jerk him and sat next to him. Let’s just say that his name start with an “S”. No, it’s not “Stupid bin something” or “Super Jerk bin something”, although I wish it was. It’s just “S” (ASShole?). God knows how stupid I felt just after a few seconds of committing the stupid act. The Jerk He, on the other hand, keeps on commenting on how long it has been since we last met, talked on the phone or sms to each other. What am I, a doormat?

The Jerk He kept yapping as if there were no other people in the bus. When finally I get the chance to answer his interview questions, I called him with someone else’s name (God I really don’t know how the other name came out of my mouth!). He was surprised and said “Lama kita tak jumpa awak dah lupa nama saya?” Man, I can never forget that stupid expression on his face!

I thanked god for that slip-of-the tongue! Meanwhile, he kept firing me with lame questions such as “Awak dah habis belajar?” which I answered with “Entah. Ye kot.” followed by “Awak sihat?” and returned with “Awak nampak saya sihat tak?”, “Awak marah lagi ke kat saya pasal dulu2 tu?” was answered with “Kita ada apa-apa ke dulu?”

The phone rang and it was my mom calling me to ask where I was so she can pick me up. Just as I hang up the phone, the muka-tak-malu jerk said “Mak awak nak datang ke? Baguslah! Boleh saya tumpang awak balik rumah. Lagipun hujan ni. Awak tak kesian kat saya ke?” DUH!!!!!!!!

I told him that my mother and I are going to other places and we’re not going straight home. He didn’t believe that and accused me of not being kesian to him. God why did I ever dated such a jerk!!!

Eventually I got fed-up and an evil plan started to form in my angelic mind.

I was actually sms-ing with someone before I got into the bus. So I decided to sms him this:-

“Can you call me and act as my boyfriend? I just bumped into my ex. Damn!” or something like it.

After some time, I thought he won’t call and I gave up because he told me he was at the game arcade and I figured that maybe the place is noisy and he couldn’t hear his phone ringing. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was him! I let the phone rang for a while, pretending to look at the caller and putting the phone on my lap so the jerk he could see who was calling me. I smiled sweetly as I picked up the phone.

For the whole time of my so-called “boyfriend” called me, I noticed the jerk he can’t sit still. Meanwhile, I enjoyed myself talking to the person on the other end of the line, pretending to be lovey-dovey, when in fact he was laughing and said to me what a reunion I had! Wait till I see you again! But I was, am still and will always be very much thankful for that someone who called me.

After about half an hour, I asked the guy to hang up. Suddenly the jerk he asked me whether he can come to my house tomorrow (which is today) to hang around. Hang around? My boiling point right then has reached to the one-more-word-from-you-and-I’ll-turn-into-hulk level! I told him it’s impossible as I am not comfortable of bringing a guy to my house. He kept pressing me (lucky I didn’t have my bazooka with me) and just to shut him up, I said I would rather go out with my friends than inviting them to my house (which is totally untrue cuz I really like people coming to my house as much as I like going out. So to my friends, don’t worry OK?).

He said, “Bagus lah tu! Boleh kite pegi pasar malam besok! (Oh, that’s fine! We can go to night market tomorrow!)” with such an enthusiasm that I wish the bus window can be opened so I can tonyoh his head out of the bus. I said, “S, saya rasa awak ni tak paham kot yang kita dah lama tak jumpa dan kita memang tak patut jumpa pun? (S, don’t you think we should let the past alone?)”

His face turned sour and despite that, he said that I’m sombong and I don’t want to forget the past. I just felt so fed-up and I decided to turn my mp3 to the volume limit while cursing the sappy songs blaring from bus speaker. Finally, I had my peace. I never looked at his face and when I did, I saw him looking out of the window, probably thinking whether I will pujuk him or something. Sorry jerk, I am not that cheap lollipop which you can suck the sweetness and throw it afterwards. Instead, I am that really expensive dark chocolate which you would always remember the taste because I am precious and rare.

And despite all that experience, I am still shaking. Because I didn’t expect it to turn as sour as this.

I’m not sad, no, please don’t think like that. I’m just amazed at how blunt he was and how brave (I meant it in a nasty, dirty way. Not like Braveheart or something) he was to have asked me to go out with him. I mean, that easy? Gosh didn’t he learn something from the past?

Which I did.

I did learn that I should love someone who would love me without asking me to be “the other girl” just because he can’t settle his other relationship problem.

I should love someone who would return my love as much or more than what I gave him. I should love someone who would love me back.

I should love myself too.

I guess I wasn’t really letting go. Not the love, but the bitterness, the hatred, the pain of losing someone whom you have liked for like for such a long time.

I guess I didn’t really like him then. Maybe I was just infatuated, smitten with his innocent looks.

Whatever it is, I thanked God for all this experience. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you get the chance to nail your ex in his face?

The Poetry Gal

This post is dedicated to Evanna, who at a mere age of almost the same as mine, has already had a poetry book to her name.

One of the reasons why I went to Dungun last Tuesday was to get this book which I asked my niece to get it from the writer herself. On my way back to KT yesterday, the bus was an hour late, and so I decided to take a look at the book of poems written by Evanna Mohamad Ramly.

I recognized some of the poems almost immediately, as I used to visit Evanna’s blog, where she posted her poems. The one that I like most is “To An Eraser”. I felt like it was very meaningful and it just makes sense. As I continued flipping, I realized one thing: most of the poems which sound serious were written when the writer was in college. I guess that’s also logical because we tend to be very stressful at the college or workplace.

Among the poems that I like very much are:

Plated
“I make no futile attempt
To search for something that clearly isn’t there”

PDA: Painful Delusions of Affections
“Look deep into my eyes
I know there is someone else
Dancing behind yours”

And my favorite:-

To An Eraser
“Do you not tire?
of this dull life that you have
Correcting the mistake of others
by giving away bits of yourself”

There are many occasions where I felt like I am always correcting other people’s mistakes, taking the responsibility of others and being the scapegoat. However, it also makes me much stronger and at times, smarter. That’s why I can relate very much to this one poem.

I think you have displayed a very skillful art of using words to express your emotions. Some of the poems are quite deep and it is still taking me some time to understand, but don’t worry, as I have many days to spend reading, and I have included your book to my reading list. Just to understand what this writer is really trying to say through her writing.

Congratulations for the book. Keep on writing, dear, as what a lot of people would say, it’d be a waste of you ever stop writing.

Again, congratulations.

Rain On My window

Days are getting colder in my house, mostly because of the pouring rain as the monsoon season is already here (monsoon cup/monsoon season. Geddit?). I rarely go out of the house nowadays, except for when my mum needs to buy grocery, or when we both malas nak masak and we decided to scour for food around the kampung.

This week I found out about my practicum result. It is not official, though, and I am still hoping for a miracle (which I doubt will happen). The result is not that thrilling, as I was hoping I could get a good result.

I am not happy.

I wonder what happened to the word “fair” and “professional”.

Most importantly, I wonder whether all my sacrifices are wasted. Those horror period at that jin bertendang place! Urgh…

Nevermind that. As I would always say to myself, those people who misjudge me will, sooner or later, realize their mistake and the most powerful revenge is to prove that I am more worthy that what they seem to think of me.

Yesterday I went to the state library to return the books that I have borrowed and to borrow some new ones. I went there actually to find autobiographies written by Obama, “Dreams from my father” and the other one written by John McCain. Johan Jaffar wrote a review on both the autobiographies. I have always loved what Johan Jaffar wrote; therefore I decided to give them a go. I searched around and I didn’t find the book. The makcik at the counter told me that the book was at a section called “Lincoln Corner”.

Interestingly, I found out that the library has a special section, hidden at the back of some lame magazine racks, far at the end corner of the second floor, a haven for me which is called “Lincoln Corner”. I was astounded, amazed and bewildered at the sight of an abundant of autobiographies and other novels written by Americans. Now, don’t go crazy and judge me as an American lover, but it seems that at this section, books written by Americans are placed separately from other books. I wonder why.

I love to read books but I have never actually wandered farther than the fiction section in the state library. So now I guess I have a new place to explore. Apart from “Dreams of My Father” by Barack Obama, I also borrowed other books.

I guess that’s all for today. Phantom wrote that “The different would be Democrats would normally don't start a war. And that's about all we can hope from Obama”, which I intend to exploreby reading his book. People are speculating a lot about Obama and whether he can bring changes. Truth is nothing much will happen unless Obama wants to stay longer in his seat. Fact is, he’s not even in his much-awaited office yet! I wonder what Bush is doing right now, probably stuffing his aped-face with thousand pages of mistreated documents of his years in the White House.

As usual, people, have fun. If you’re staying with your mum, tonight, take some time to look at your mum’s face and think of her sacrifice for you. Then I bet you wouldn’t have problem at all in listening to her. Adieu.

Makan and Tonton

It’s been a while eh? Well, I have been keeping myself busy with visiting friends and former college.

Last Friday, on the 31st October, I went to Putrajaya with my mother. The purpose of that short visit was to collect my stuffs from college. However, since I realized this is not a chance to be missed, I took the opportunity to meet Ckin and Yda at Damansara (I can’t remember which Damansara, there’re too many Damansaras over there). So on Saturday, I took ERL to KL Sentral and met Yda, and off we go in commuter to Ckin’s house.

We had a nice get-together that day. Watched two movies in a row! Ckin fell asleep for about an hour during the second movie…hehe… We watched “Boys Over Flower” which is Hana Yori Dango in Japan first, and went to dine at Thai Xpress after that. Then we continued our journey with “My Best Friend’s Girl”. That movie was hilarious! I can’t remember the last time I had such fun watching a movie. It’s downright perverted, with so many cursing in a movie that’ll make Pamela Anderson blush!

The initial plan was to give Tony Roma a go, but then after spending so much money on ice cream and food and movies, we had to postpone it. Yda literally drool everytime she passed Tony Roma’s in Cineleisure. Haha…don’t worry, babe! There’s always next time, and next pay check…

Anyways, it was a great day. We went home and went straight to sleep in Ckin’s room. Woke up the next morning, found out Ckin already rushed out for her school activity. We beg her to come early so we can go out some more. Ckin’s message before she went out was…

“Mandi wei! Balik nanti kite pegi jalan-jalan lagi!”

Nevertheless, un-bathed and un-changed our clothes, I cooked Maggi for Yda. Then, while we were lazying around and watching HanaKimi Japan, suddenly we heard footsteps. We were like

“OMG its not Ckin, rite?”.
Check the watch. I looked at Yda, Yda looked at me.
“Do you think she’s back this early?”
“Nah…might be the neighbour!”
Clink clink. It’s the steel gate.
“Waa….its Ckin!! She’s gonna kill us for not getting ready yet!” The door opened…

“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING???”

Hehe…sorryla Ckin, we got lost in the Japanese series.

Then we continued our journey to OU. Not much activity though, since I have to be back to Putrajaya before nightfall. Went to have lunch at OnlyMee. It was cool, the food was nice, the price is quite OK. Ckin had Black Pepper Rice, Yda had some kind of noodle soup with seaweed and fishball, and I had Prawn Mee and Seaweed Roll. The Seaweed Roll…I have to tell you this! It melts in your mouth…so nice and yummy, and you wouldn’t even realize it’s gone! The prawn mee was quite delicious too.

I wanted to buy a pair of shoes (just to satisfy this dying heart of having to stay in Terengganu), but I couldn’t find one that I really like. So after making the two girls walked and waited in patient, I finally gave in, and bought some sushi. It’s been a while since I had sushi. I love sushi!

So my get-together with the girls ended there, and I went back to Putrajaya around 8pm. The next day, I woke up, feeling hungry and ajak my mom to Alamanda. My sister in law was like “What? Ajak mak? Naik bas?”… ala…the bus stop is only few steps away from her house. We had late lunch at RasaMas, then went walking around. I was looking at some shoes when my mother suddenly held up one pair of cute black and white sandal and said “Comelnyer selipar ni…”

Sah sah la I kena pau lagi. Nevermind la...it’s a rare chance to take my mother out for a walk in the mall anyway. So she took that sandal and I bought a bronze sandal for me.

We went home that night. Abis cerita pasal Putrajaya.

On Thursday, Charm came to Terengganu and asked me to accompany him and Duan to KUSZA. The place changed a lot nowadays, and even the Language Faculty has moved to a new building. After meeting the Dean (which I found out some bad news…sob sob), I felt somewhat relieved. Even though I didn’t get to meet Madam Akmah and Madam Shamsiah, it’s quite OK to hear that everything is still the same. The spirit of TESLIAN is still alive there!

Met Sir Rosdi and he mentioned Lucillus (Lucy, if you’re reading this, read on!). He praised Lucillus on his good language command. He talked about his memories in UPC, and other things. Nevertheless, a good visit actually.

Then Charm took us to Air Buah Pior, and we had Nasi Minyak, Keropok Lekor – the signature dish of mi county, and Air Buah – of course! There would never be a better place to lepak2 and have keropok lekor sebatang dua with air buah such as this place. Never!

By the way, i am still in search of jobs that would satisfy this rigid heart of mine. Please wish me luck!