Of dreams and black pepper chicken

Hm…things have been really slow these last few days. I lost most of my sleep hours because of the never-ending assignments. I made over RM80 of translation and some text paraphrasing, which took half of my leisure time. But it didn’t matter. Life must go on, bebeh! My project paper is in total mess…haven’t look at it for a week already. I had a dream juz now about the project paper (see how disturbing it is?) In my dream, Siti Yong handed me the students’ work and their scores on the pre-test. Dang it’s annoying. In the dream, they didn’t even answer the questions. As I wonder what to do, the phone ringing slapped me back into reality. It was Ily, asking whether I can accompany her to go get her convocation robe.

Just now I had my lunch…Diane cooked some black pepper chicken. It’s good…to wake up and have someone said “Zura jom makan?” hehehe…and yes I did wake up at lunch time. It’s university life, you know. Go figure.

The practicum registration is on 10th March. Just now Mr. S called me and asked me when my friends and I will be available for the briefing. It’s to inform us about which school can we go and which we can’t go to. Me and Kak Na had decided to go to a school in Bukit Beruntung, due to some pleasant comments by the lecturers about the school. Plus the living cost is not that high compared to other places.

Y’know…the thing that annoys me the most during this last semester in UPSI is how things didn’t change for good…yet. I think I have been battling every morning to go to the lectures. What’s with the bus-fight, the lack of facilities in UPSI (especially cafés). I remember back then they had a really nice café at the Art and Music Faculty. That’s where me and my mates used to lepak around before and after theatre classes. And every Wednesday or Thursday they had something called “Santai Seni” which is some kind of stress relieve to most of us. Now all they have is the empty café with occasional banshees passing by. (Juz kidding).

However, looking back at the university, and remembering how it used to be, the new students are in for a much better future. There were only one ATM machine back then, and we were forced to wear shoes to go into the library. But I still hate the lectures at Taman U. Still. And Will Always. Do. Period.

And now presenting the top ten songs in my head rite now… (Drum roll!!!)

1. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
2. Biggest Star Ever Met – Some local band which for some reason I cannot state their name here…but I like the lyrics. Meaningful.
3. Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold (Zam gimme this song and it sounds really nice!)
4. Kiyoharu – Carnation (Theme song from Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge)
5. Delta Goodrem – In This Life
6. Jennifer Hudson – One Night Only (practice…practice…hehe)
7. Mika Nakashima – Glamorous Sky
8. Shayne Ward – Breathless (Gosh what happened to me?)
9. Hijjaz – Doa Pagi (okay it’s not a song but I listened to it every morning what?)
10. Queen Latifah – Big Blonde and Beautiful

so long y'all beautiful people...jana!

The Sweet Thang

For a reason I have never been able to find out, I am quite (actually… really really bad) at remembering names and face. Every time I go to a camping, functions or motivation program, and met new friends, I would remember the person at there and then only. Unless we keep in touch. Tu pun punyala susah…I remember back in 11th Asian Canoe Championship’05, I had to guide a group of South Korean athletes, and on the first day, I met their Vice President of Canoe Association of Korea. The next day, I met him again, and I forgot his face. I bow (seriously Koreans and Japanese memang suka tunduk-tunduk nih..tension aku mase tu!) and introduced myself to him once again. He said “Didn’t we meet yesterday? I remember your name…it’s JURA”.

Ok old man. You’re good at remembering names and faces, but you truly suck at pronunciation. Jura?????? Its Zura la!!! Nevermind. What I’m getting at is that I truly suck at remembering names and faces. And when I finally remember this guy’s face, so strong his presence in my mind that the next time I meet him I actually smiled at him…there must be something in him right?

Here is my summary of what happened from the first time I saw him. It all started on the month of March 2007 (that long ago…*sigh*). I was riding in the bus from campus going back to college, and there weren’t really many people in the bus. I sat quite far behind and saw this sweet lil thang sitting in front of me. Seriously, in my almost four years in uni, I’ve never been so keen and interested in a guy before. And so I dreaded myself to get off from the short journey (I wish we’re on our way to KL or sumthing!) and saw him getting off. I hesitated, and finally I have the courage to wait and see where he’s heading…to find out which college he was staying at that time.

And so my journey into hell-like admiration starts. It seems like God is really supportive this time. I saw him almost every week…either in the bus, or cafes or just by the sidewalk. Every Tuesday, I would bump into him at the café because I had my theatre practice at his faculty. Oh…I forgot…a few days after the first meeting, I saw him playing guitar and won a title in a college festival. He can play the guitar!!! How sweet…The next day, I saw him having lunch alone…and he had black nail, which is quite cool. I guessed he notice I was staring, so he look at me and smiled. I felt like fainting! Hahahaha…stupid isn’t it?

Then after bumping so many times with him, and since I never had the courage to even say hi, this story is still hanged (tergantung la u ol!). I don’t know whether he’s still single, or whether he’s on his way to get a girl friend, but I’m still hoping that he would read this. And if I have the chance to meet him personally, I’d like to apologize for always (always as in always!) staring at you. Seriously, every time I saw you, there’ll always be a song that keeps playing in my head. Especially that sweet lil tune by Lauryn Hill “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”. I think I scared you off a lil bit. Thousand apologies.

For one, I did not know anything about you when I met you for the first time. I didn’t know that you’re a musician, and a real good one at that (believe me, people were showering praises to you each time I asked them about you). I didn’t know that you actually have a band which is becoming more popular by day (I juz downloaded your song..illegally..sorry!!hehe…cuz I couldn’t find your CD anywhere). I didn’t know ANYTHING at all about you at that time. That’s because I don’t care I guess. I don’t care who or what or who had you been before I met you. What I thought about at that time is that my heart beat so fast when I saw you that first time. Maybe it’s just a silly little crush…

If I can talk to you, I’d like to tell you that you’re such a gifted guy with music abilities. Keep it up…you’ll get to where you wanna be someday. I wish you all the best in your music career (since your song was played on the radio, I guess you’re heading that way eh?). That’s all I can do right now I guess. What else can I do when all I can do is to watch from a far?

Fuh…leganya…akhirnya…hahaha

I dunno if I’d be dubbing this post as stupid at a later time, but I’m leaving UPSI in a less than two months’ time, and I want to take this chance. Hm…sorry if this post offend anyone…

Battle Mode

these last few days has seen me battling with my ever-sensitive moods and my growing needs of attention from the people around me.i admit it that sometimes i am overwhelmingly needy - in a sense that i cannot quite understand clearly why some people act and react differently as time goes by.seeing people around me smiling so purely because of the new changes in their lives sometimes makes me wonder whether i will ever reach that nirvana-sort-of-level in life.

quoting from the movie "never been kissed", in the scene where Josie and and her best friend talked about "that first kiss with someone who makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time...", i always wonder whether i will find that special someone.that certain someone who would always put his trust in me come what may, the one that would not flinch an inch whenever i get my panic attack everytime when things don't go my way, the one that would slap some sense back into my complicated brain, and finally, the one that stand at more than 5'8" (nothing wrong wit dreamin' eh?)

my close friend once asked me what would my dream guy be.till today i never managed to give her a full sentence answer. i can never say something like "my dream guy would be someone who's fair, and tall and can speak english well", or "someone like josh hartnett" or at the very least, "tall,dark and handsome".i don't know yet what i'm looking for in a guy.probably because i never really sit down and think about it.or maybe because i don't care.who knows?

but there was this time when i was standing beside this guy whom i fancy, and it seems like everyone at the place vanished into thin air...the only person left was me and him and only him.sounds corny, huh?

i don't quite understand why some people fall in love so easily, and then cry themselves a river when they broke up.is that's what love is all about?i should not be asking this question, but i can't help but wonder whether i would eventually ended up at the same point...that point where people fell be in love because everyone else is doing the same, because it is the "in" thing.

i don't know where my life would lead me, but wherever God will put me in the future, i wish at the end of this long winding road, he wil lead me to that special someone.

Aku Sedih...

aku rase sedih skarang.aku tak tau la kenape tapi tetibe je rase sedih.dan aku malas nak fikir kenapa aku sedih.tapi bagi mengurangkan kesedihan aku nih, aku kena jugak fikir kenapa aku sedih?hm...i guess it's because of someone.its always because of someone goddammit!then aku kena fikir plak kenapa la aku nak sedih2 sebab someone (or many ones..whateva).

sumtimes i feel like i'm being used by people...and at times i feel like i'm using people around me.i guess i did both.i'm being used and i use.there's some kind of weird sense when you feel like you're being used by someone.and there's also feelings such as guilt and regret when you use someone.i guess we cant escape from all these feelings as human.

tapi there's no reason why i should always be the one yang kecewa.kenapa ek?maybe bcuz i put too much trust on certain person.maybe that certain person doesn't deserve my trust at all.maybe i shouldn't trust them in the first place.maybe trust is such a bad word.damn i wanna erase that word from the dictionary!

hm..i don't know why, and I haven't found out (probably will never find out) why is it alwiz me who loses in the end.i'm not manusia yang mudah menyerah kalah, but in certain things, i'd rather keep my mouth shut and let go of the things that i want most in my life.like love.yeah love...i hate that word (in human sense, nt love for god, ok?) this is another word i want to erase from the dictionary (temporarily).

its nice to have a shoulder to cry on at times like this.but will that shoulder alwiz be there for me?in this almost 25 years of my life, i've learnt that its not worth it to put too much trust in someone.yeah i do trust some people with my life, but sometimes when that certain someone broke that trust, damn its hard to get back on the normal situation.

is there really someone out there for me?i'm not losing hopes yet, but i'm not hoping that much either.there's so many things i wanna achieve just by being with me and only meself...but it would be nice to have a certain someone whom i can go to for whenever i need some reality check...

here's a song lyric which i can't get it out of my mind.its "Bleedin' Love" by Leona Lewis...

closed off from love

I didn't need the pain

once or twice was enough

and it was all in vain

time starts to pass

before you know it you're frozen

but something happened

for the very first time with you

my heart melted to the ground,

found something true

and everyones looking round

thinking I'm going crazy

but I dont care what they say,

I'm in love with you,

they tried to pull me away,

but they dont know the truth,

my hearts crippled by the vein

that I keep on closing
you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love,

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

you cut me up

trying hard not to hear

but they talk so loud

they pissing sounds fill my ears

try to fill me with doubt

let them know that the goal is to

keep me from falling

nothings greater than

the rest that comes with your embrace

in this world alone the loneliness

I see your face your everywhere around me

everyone thinks i'm going crazy
maybe, maybe

but I dont care what they say

I'm in love with you

they tried to pull me away

but they dont know the truth

my hearts crippled

by the vein that I keep on closing

you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love,

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

you cut me up

and its draining out of me

oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I dont care what they say

I'm in love with you

they try to pull me away

but they don't know the truth

my hearts crippled

by the vein that I keep on closing

you cut me up and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love, keep bleeding,

keep keep bleeding love

oh you cut me open and I

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love,

oh you cut me open and I

keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love...