Stars

I lit a fire with the love you left behind

And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side

I followed your ashes into outer space

I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place.

I can't look at the stars

They make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I, I can't look at the stars.

All those times we looked up at the sky

Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly

And now I'm all alone in the dark of night

And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.

And I can't look at the stars

They make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I, I can't look at the stars.

Stars

Stars, they make me wonder where you are

Stars, up on heaven's boulevard

And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far

So I can't look at the stars.

Sick

I feel sick.

I binge eat.

Some days I eat a lot, other days I eat little and don't feel a thing.

I feel tired all the time.

I sleep for hours and wake up more tired.

Count Your Blessings Friday

Oh...I almost missed this! Anyways, this week I am thankful for:

Photo from here

• Cranberry Cheese from The Loaf that Dr Jawakhir gave me this afternoon. So freaking delish! I'm definitely going to The Loaf some time this week.
• For the response from Dr S about my chapter 4 in which she said it's good albeit needing some clarifications. Really keep me up and running with the rest of the dissertation.
• For smooth albeit adventurous journeys. Today I got off at the wrong stop after 40mins bus ride from Putrajaya. I feel lost, but I buck up and continue walking, saw something that looks like railway station and keep going until I reach a full station ahead of where I was supposed to stop. Luckily I got to the campus safely.

I want to write more, but I can't remember. Maybe I'll update this later.

Speak

Speak is the title of the movie I watched few hours ago while having dinner. It tells the story of Melinda who after being raped (she was 13) she stopped talking altogether. It is a powerful movie. There is no crying or screaming in the aftermath of being raped, but the way the feeling of a person being presented in her drawing of trees is surprising and yet really deep.

Melinda had to draw trees for her art class, and at first the trees are just a normal tree. Somehow, the more she wants to shout to the world that she was raped, and thats the reason why she acts abnormally, the more dark and mysterious her drawing of trees became.

In the end when the truth came out, one thing puzzles me. When Melinda was picked up by her mom from school after she got out alive while she was threatened and beaten by the boy who raped her, her mom said "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it". When in fact, it is not OK.

It's not OK going through something as terrible as rape and being told that it is OK not wanting to talk about it. Especially, when it happened to your own daughter, why would you not want to talk about it? If it were me I'd want to know every detail so I can send that boy who raped my daughter straight to hell. Who wouldn't?

I really enjoy this movie, and one of the major reasons is that it featured Kristen Stewart when she was a really good actress. I haven't watch anything of her beyond Twilight, but this work deserves some awards.

Gift giving, wishes and many more to do and having less and less time to do them all!

I have been so inspired by this blog, that I have decided to review how I live my daily live, and how with so many changes that time brought about, going back to where I had enjoyed life more than now is going to be a strenuous journey.

First and foremost, I need to reevaluate how I spend my time with my mom. A couple of months before she left for hajj, I bought her a pair of jogging shoes. Then I promised myself that I would spend at least once a week for a walk with her. Never happened. So first thing to do in this thing I dub as "Recovery Journey", is to spend more time with my mother, in the nature doing healthy things instead of only going shopping with her. No.1: Take a walk with my mother.

Another thing that I found I am lacking in is celebration, any kind of celebration. I am terrible not only keeping up with important dates (that's the reason why people often get random gifts from me) but I show less than satisfying enthusiasm when it comes to celebrating it. Once on my birthday I slept all day long. Bad bad vibe for the special day huh?

So this year, in July, I will celebrate my mother's birthday, by baking a cake for her (she likes that lemon yogurt cake with cream cheese frosting) and make an effort to actually capture the moments. I will try to at least print one photo of the birthday, frame it, and hang it somewhere around the house. About my own birthday, Anisa and I have plan for it on June 19th but we're not sure what to do yet. Truth is I hardly have any budget left for anything else than my daily needs. We'll see about that.

So that's the first point. Keywords: mom/jog/birthday/photo

The second point is that I would like to return to my joyful hobby: making gifts or cards on my own instead of buying them. The other day I saw some felt going for cheap at Daiso. I think I'm gonna fast for a few days and see whether I can save money to buy those felting supplies.

I have always been a card-maker. I don't remember buying one for a very long long time. But nowadays I haven't sent any cards to anyone. During exam season, I would take some time to make good-luck cards for my friends. Somehow, that hobby just…dies. I don't remember what happened, but it is kinda sad thinking about it. I will return to my gift giving and card-making state of mind and will refrain myself from buying gifts, simply because I truly believe that a gift made by my own hands would be easier to remember than spending money for things that I can make on my own.

I have several people in my mind that I will prepare the gifts for: a mobile phone case for my mom for her birthday, a red case for Dr Mazura, and several simple mobile phone cases for my nieces & and nephews's birthdays. That's a lot but if I spend an hour a day, I think I can make it. Perhaps I am digressing from my thesis writing but I think this is what I need to do for now.

So point no.2: Keywords: cards/gifts/felt supplies/threads/cases

The third point is of course, to lose weight. I fell down 11 days ago and my both knees are bruised. Now my right knees are numb with occasional lancinating pain. I would probably have to try to walk slowly, but I will figure this out once I return to Terengganu.

Keywords: lose weight/walk

The fourth point is to plan a weekly activity for Ammar, my grandnephew. I truthfully believe that if I follow others and let him have his way all the time, he would grow up to be a spoiled kid. He has a lot of plastic toys, which needs to change. I need to create opportunity for him to unleash his creativity. I bought him many books, but I am never sure if he reads them. I should buy books and keep them at my place instead, and buy some for Amirul Haikal as well (another grandnephew). Maybe I will browse the blog again and find out what kind of activity & colouring things I can use which are safe for a toddler. Kids his age need to be introduced to colouring fun, but I haven't seen him doing that as yet. He's not my kid, but he's a child who is growing in front of me, and what kind of person am I to neglect his needs to be creative, when I have read so many things about instilling creativity in a child?

Keywords: art for toddler

So there are four things to consider. I need to write this down in a card and put it in my wallet so I would remember it. 

1. My mom - birthday and walk
2. Gift and cards - felt supplies, mobile phone cases
3. Weight issues
4. Art for toddler - art supplies for toddler, books to be kept at my place. If I can't afford to buy books, I'll make them.

One day at a time, Zura. One day at  time.

Back to black

I thought this is just an album name. Turned out to be that it's a song. And a good one at that! Enjoy..

Count your blessings..with a calculator!

I have heard that phrase many times...Count Your Blessings. But what does it means? For all I know, I would be counting my blessing with the amount of ringgits I have in my bank account every end of the month, right after I paid all the bills and give money to my mom.

I suppose it should be more than that right? After all, most things that we cannot live without in our lives are free. The air that we breathe, the water (we pay the monthly bill but if we use less than RM20 it's free, remember?), even down to the land that we step on.

I read this blog, and I notice that this person lists down things that she is thankful for once a week. It would be a good mental exercise, trying to recount what happened for the past week that enable you to be where you are in the current week.

So I think I would do the same. Lately I have been feeling down because of that you-know-who and also because I am in no better financial shape compared to last year. I made a new year resolution (to myself, that is) that I would get significantly better pay this year, but it's not happening soon. Very little things can make me feeling so down, and most of the time it is money.

Today out of the blue Cik Asiah gave me "nasi bungkus" It was a meal from that awesome Indian restaurant down the road near 9th College. She bought me a wholesome meal - rice, fried tenggiri, potatos, vegetables and curry gravy. What a delicious meal. The only downturn is that I had it when it was already cold as I was fasting.

Oh, when I said today I meant June 6th. Didn't realize it is already another day.

I was actually craving for some ikan tenggiri and curry gravy with rice, and look what I got today. Perhaps I give HIM too little credit for not listening to what I want in life. Maybe I didn't realize what I got because I never wrote about them. Maybe, by writing what I receive or be thankful for everyday would remind me how much luckier I am compared to the people in Niger whose lives are so much worse than mine, and there's nothing they can do about it.

I can do something with my life. In fact, I am trying very hard to change my life. I want to learn, to get the highest degree, to earn Professorship before I retire. For now, the future looks bleak but it's not going to be like that forever. If I work hard enough I know I can make it. Heck, I felt like I graduated already when I handed the first part of my Chapter 4 on Wednesday!

When I went to get my rice from Dr Jawakhir (Cik Asiah left the rice with Dr J), I sat down and chatted with her a bit, since she will be retiring end of this month. She asked me why am I doing something very difficult for my thesis. I had to be honest: metaphor isn't my first choice. But I think I forgot to tell her how freaking in love am I with Wmatrix. I sound a bit demotivated because I am running out of time, but how I wish I know more about it!

How, I wish, that with just one look at the data, I can make better analysis and conclusion. I don't know what to say when I found out that the simplified text has more pronouns and less adjectives compared to original text. Please excuse my thesis-related ramblings but I feel so down when I can't figure out things easily. That is another point. I tend to forget when I had an epiphany about my thesis and only remember the times when I can't perform well.

So, I will write here as much blessings as I had these past few days and make every Friday a "Count your blessings" day.

• I fell down in front of the ATM machine but I didn't bleed. Just a few bruises on my knees. I still can walk, still can pray despite having to pray on the chair. 
• I am thankful for nasi bungkus from Cik Asiah (she's literally Dr Asiah now but she refused the title and insist people call her as Cik Asiah as usual).
• When I fell, I had no medicine with me. I went to see Ifa and her roommate gave me gamat (sea cucumber) oil. Then I told Cik Asiah what happened and she also gave another bottle of minyak ubat.
• I am thankful for Ifa's help by letting me stay in her room while waiting for the laundry to be done, for giving me some detergent, and for telling me how to get around in college (where's the bathroom, the washing machine, where to hang the clothes)
• I am thankful for Ifa's roommate who doesn't seem to mind I am there many times.
• I am thankful for after the nasi bungkus, I got some papaya from Cik Asiah. 
• I am thankful for the place where I am writing nowadays is air-conditioned and no one bothers me and that I have access to it 24 hours a day.
• I am thankful for the wifi is free, and there is a fridge and I can keep my food in there.
• I am thankful for the taxi driver last Wednesday was not a fussy one and sent me to the campus without much questions, even after seeing me carrying so many mineral water.
• I am thankful that my credit card still works even if I am wayyy past the limit. Have to stop spending with it though. At least til I pay the next bill.
• I am thankful for the RM10 Jusco voucher I cashed in. Still thinking what to buy with it.
• I am thankful that my 3rd Rejab fasting day was not as tiring and that I could still walk around Midvalley without collapsing after a day of fasting.
• I am thankful for that CD with Quran MP3 I received as wedding goodies.
• I am thankful for the delicious food at UM Food Court which sells food at normal price but with large servings.
• I am thankful for not having fever for a long long time once I dumped that particular brand of facial care. No more sore tonsil. This also means I can do more when I am healthy.
• I am thankful for having another Popeye's voucher in my purse, along with a voucher for two free movie tickets from GSC which I have no idea when I can use (can't wait!).
• I am thankful for the umbrella in the office which I borrowed this afternoon, and without it I might end up wet on my way back.
• I am thankful for the PC with 24 hours internet even when the wifi went kaput yesterday.

I'd better stop now. Have to prepare sahur. Probably bread with butter. Can't wait for next Friday.

What are you thankful for? Have you thanked the person for giving it to you?

Girl in Progress

In the previous post, I mentioned that I am on a full "downloading things from youtube" mode. Well, one of them is this movie, "Girl in Progress". It is about a girl named Ansiedad, who, in her chaotic flurry moment of being a teenager, decided that she would stage her own "coming to the age" experience herself. And how did she plan to do that? She planned to do all the things rendered as "adult-ish" so that she would get a closure and leap into adulthood. 

Ansiedad and her mom

According to the movie, in America, it seems that these are the things you do to be considered as an adult:

1. Be a nice girl, wear pink coloured clothes so people would regard you as a nice, goody-two-shoes kind of girl.
2. And then, change in the blink of an eye. Steal your mom's money, buy new clothes, hook up with the worst jackass womaniser, get into the popular girl's group. 
3. Go to wild parties, lose your virginity with that jackass womaniser, dump your best friend, and lastly, leave town. 

Penny and Howard's first time meeting

Now where have I heard the story? Oh right. Everywhere. In TBBT, Penny left her hometown so she can "grow" in a new place. (Don't get me wrong, I love Penny. It's just an example)

In that Britney Spear's movie, she left her town as well (wait, doesn't that sound like her life story?)

Britney in Crossroads

In Hick, a 13-year old got into an adventure of a lifetime by picking up some clothes and a gun she received for her birthday and left. What follows was probably the scariest a girl could go through.

If only life is that simple. I believe that things will not be fine, issues will not be resolved if everyone just simply pick up their stuffs and leave. That is not how you grow into adulthood.

Problems come and go, if everyone just leave then how are we going to solve it? Surely, just because a person has not left town and live somewhere else, then the person cannot grow?

I believe that in some point of our lives, we need to move out and go live in a foreign place. It is good for the soul. Some people choose to come back, some people choose not to. But leaving because the previous place is troublesome is not right.

Hick

I have lived in Perak and KL. I spent 4 years doing first degree in Perak and another 2 years (almost 2 yrs and a half actually) in KL. What an experience. Living on your own, no close family (my brother's in Putrajaya but when I lived in my rented apartment I was never there), finding ways to get to one place to another, got lost, went out at the wrong train station and had to find a cab to get to uni, 2 hours bus ride, being stalked, followed by a stranger…oh tell me about it. I've been through it all.

Even back in secondary school, I spent two out of five years in hostel. And then I lived in KUSZA for 3 years during diploma. Well, to sum it up, I have lived more than 11 years of my life away from home. It is refreshing, to try to get out of your comfort zone. If everything is bright and shiny I feel that life itself would turn dull.

You gotta have some rain if you want the rainbow eh?

And now, I am living in a very different environment. I have to keep it a secret until I am in the safe. You'll have to wait til July to hear the story.

Where was I? Oh yes, the movie. In the end, when things took a terrible turn and the girl's life went upside down, that's when she had an epiphany. She finally accepts the fact that not all life's experience can be staged. Some should be experienced naturally. Like growing up. No one know exactly when a person can say "I'm all grown up now". No, it does not happen like that. It would creep slowly into our lives and when we finally realised it, it is as if you have walked down a long road and suddenly you stop for a second and take a look around, and realised how far you've gone.

That's how it should be done. That's how people….progress.

Sugar sugar

When I was in secondary school, I remember watching a video. It was The Archie's Sugar Sugar, but there was a footage of a movie in it. I've always thought of it, since I like the song. But the original video clip that often came out was not the one with the movie in it.

Fast forward to 2013, I was searching for Ezra Miller's movies, and found out that there are tonnes of full movies in Youtube. I know I know. What a noob. Hey, I don't intentionally sit in front of the computer to find movies all day long like I used to back in the days ok?

So, I found this movie with Christina Ricci in it. I knew her from her Casper days. Anyways, downloaded it, and watched it just now. It turned out to be that the movie I saw in the video clip is actually Now and Then (1995).

It is a great watch. It's about four girls and it marked the summer in 1970 where they made a pact to always be there for each other no matter what, due to some circumstances and chalenges they faced that summer.

It's a really good movie. They had a tree house which they bought with their own money. I noticed a lot of scenes which, were it to be a movie in 2013, would've make no sense at all and would probably change this movie into a thriller (especially that part where they met a soldier. They could've been raped, for all we know).

Watching this movie made me remember what a wonderful childhood I had. Sure, with all those "turbulences" in my family, not everything is a walk in the beach. But I had some really good times with friends and family. 

I was left to care for myself from 7 am in the morning til 7pm at night since I was 8 years old until I got into secondary school and stayed at the hostel. My mom had a little taylor shop in town so she left me to my sisters or cousins. I lived with them during the day, and lived with my mother at night.

It wasn't much different from everyone else's life, or so I thought. Of course, I didn't know what it was like to have both parents together in one house. Somehow growing up I learnt along the way that what I had was not the norm, but I guess it made me who I am today.

They say a good movie left you feeling warm hearted and such. Well I think this is one of those movies.