i said i'm ok.

I'm hoooooooookayyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I think I have the "cant-get-words-out-right" (CGWORS) syndrome. This particularly rare condition attacks a person by preventing the human from saying nice things when he/she really mean it. Instead, only words of sarcasm and criticism come out. I'll give you one example. No, I can give you a zillion of examples but sadly my internet sucks and I'm praying this one entry WILL come out right.

Note: Person A=Normal Person B: CGWORS

Exhibit A

A: I think you're nice.

B: Seriously? Like, seriously? (Tongue sticks out like an epileptic kid and rolls on the floor).

*What Missiez B really wants to say: Oh my, thank you! Well, I think you're nice too, but I just don't have enough guts to say it to your face!

Exhibit B

A: Here, have some drink.

B: Thanks MR WAITRESS.

*What Missiez B really wants to say: Thanks. You have nice eyes.

I mean, I REALLY do have something nice to say. It just won't come out exactly the way I want it. I know when someone treats me nicely I should say thanks and all, but lately, I've become a skeptic to everything.

When people are nice to me, I think they're just showing their pity. When they give me something nice or offer to help me, I can't help but think that they're doing it because they want something from me. I don't know why. Maybe this is the effect of the experience of liking someone for 6 years and that feeling was returned with grieve and sadness and humiliation. Probably I stopped thinking that maybe, somewhere in this world there really is someone made for me.

Someone who would accept me just the way I am…someone who would treat my fears and sorrows as his and bring me out of it. I hope I can find someone who thinks that I am special to him.

When people ask me about anything related to relationship, I told them I'm not looking. Truth is, I'm terrified. I'm scared that I wouldn't find any. Worst still, I would find someone whom I thought is special to me but in the end, it doesn't work.

Why am I afraid of the future so much? Why do I like to dwell on the past too much? These are the questions that I ask myself every day. I don't want the answers. I just want to meet someone who would stop me from dwelling too much on the past and worrying too much of the future.

outsiders

i think nobody understands me.

maybe i dont want to be understood.period.